3/7/20: Dr. Zero will be resting at Mar-a-Lago today and counting up all the cash he’s raking in every time he visits. It turns out, after documents are pried loose under a Freedom of Information Act request, that the Trump Organization has been charging fat fees for Secret Service Agents to stay at Trump properties.
In fact, call those fees “obese.”
For some reason, the federal government fought the FIA request
for three years. Now we know. Trump’s companies have charged the Secret Service
at least $628,000 for the privilege of guarding Dr. Zero at Dr. Zero’s own
resorts. And this figure is based on partial documentation. In 2017, 2018 and
2019, for example, we know Trump has been charging $396.15 per night for
comfy beds and chocolates on the pillows when agents stay at Mar-a-Lago.
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Agents guarding the president - and paying for the privilege. |
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AS OF THIS AFTERNOON, the COVID-19 virus continues to spread. Thirty states have confirmed cases. Washington has 102 cases, California 79, New York 76, Texas 19, Nebraska 14. The District of Columbia reports its first presumptive case of COVID-19. A “critically ill” American passenger, and that passenger’s companion, are taken off the Grand Princess, the cruise ship parked off the coast of California. The other 3,000 passengers and crew are stranded in a giant floating petri dish. Another cruise ship bobs on the waters of San Diego harbor, with no one allowed ashore, while one passenger is tested. Israel is considering quarantining visitors from some parts of the United States, the first such ban aimed at the U.S. that would be put in place.
According to Johns Hopkins, the U.S. has 401 confirmed cases and there have been 105,820 cases globally. South Korea has passed the 7,000 mark, Iran is heading for 6,000, Italy has an additional 1,247 cases confirmed in the last 24-hours. France has 949 cases and Germany 799. Just five days earlier both were reporting only 100. So COVID-19 still has long legs to run. Two resorts on the Maldives Islands report employees have tested positive after contact with an infected Italian tourist. Two French tourists were infected at other resorts in the Maldives, each infection opening up new pathways for the virus to spread. The worldwide death toll stands at 3,558.
The dominos continue to topple in all directions. And not even Dr. Zero can predict when they might stop falling, or how deadly they’ll be when they do. Amtrak has canceled nonstop service between New York City and Washington D.C. A U.S. sailor in Italy is infected. The University of Washington says it will cancel in-person classes for 50,000 students. A Starbucks employee at a downtown store in Seattle has the virus. Stanford University is canceling in-person classes on Monday. Scheduled exams will be changed to take-home format.
Don’t cough on your exam papers, young people!
New rows of dominos are lined up every hour and the first ones are knocked over. In London, a gang of thugs attacks a college student from Singapore. “I don’t want your coronavirus in my country,” one attacker shouts. In Denmark, people are advised not to shake hands. A church group from Alabama, hoping to visit sites in the Holy Land, is quarantined outside Bethlehem. Other Americans are cut off in Egypt. The cruise ship Costa Fortuna has been turned away from ports in Thailand and Malaysia on fears of infection. The South by Southwest music and technology festival which last year attracted 400,000 visitors to Austin, Texas, is canceled. The Vatican has a confirmed COVID-19 case and several of Pope Francis’s “signature public events” are suspended.
Iran is suspected of censoring the worst news
about the outbreak, which President Trump may soon start wishing he could do.
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BUT, WHILE HE’S AT IT , his 2020 campaign has sued a third U.S. media outlet, CNN, again for something that was said in a piece clearly marked “opinion.” (See: 3/4/20.)
Coming soon, if Dr. Zero can pull it off, with Mitch McConnell’s connivance: official government censorship.
If Team Trump gets its way, here’s how next week’s news would
read in a futuristic Trumpistan: “One American got sick this week with the
coronavirus. But don’t worry. Dr. Zero was right there by her bedside. She was so
happy to see him she recovered and went dancing down the hospital hallway.” Or:
“Secret Service agents staying at Mar-a-Lago say the rooms they rented were the
best ever! And so cheap! Such fluffy pillows!!” Or: “Dr. Zero weighed himself
on the scale at Mar-a-Lago, during what was a rare visit, since he is always
working for the American people. Press Secretary Grisham, who watched, says he is
now 200 pounds of rock hard abs and muscle.”
Finally, this headline and opening line:
ALL POLLS EXCEPT RASMUSSEN BANNED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
“President Trump announced that starting tomorrow all opinion polls, related to politics, other than Rasmussen, have been banned for spreading false and malicious stories about his popularity. According to Rasmussen, if the election were held today, Trump would defeat Joe Biden by 50,000,000 votes.”
POSTSCRIPT: At least one attendee at the Conservative Political Action Convention, where Dr. Zero, himself, spoke, has tested positive.
Which is certainly ironic.
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