March 14, 2018: Fox News Claims Conor Lamb, a Democrat Who Won a Special Election, is Really...a Republican

 

3/14/18: Wednesday, the president awakes, vigorously scratches his crotch, and clicks on the TV. He wants to see how the special election in Pennsylvania Congressional District 18 turned out. Tuning in to Fox & Friends, he wonders if he’s in store for good news or bad. Imagine his pleasure when Steve Doocy explains that Conor Lamb, the likely winner, “ran as a Republican.” 

“Melania,” Trump shouts in the direction of the bathroom, “did you know Conor Lamb was a Republican?” 

He forgets Melania is now sleeping in a separate bedroom (see: 2/13/18). Rumor has it she has a sign posted on the door: “Go sleep with Stormy, #POTUS, you pussy-grabbing Lard Ass.”

 

It takes the president a moment to focus. Trump knows he can’t lose, regardless of the outcome of the special election. Lamb, who he labeled “Lamb the Sham” on Saturday, during a campaign rally for Rick Saccone, is – like Saccone – apparently, a Republican! 

That explains why the GOP spent $10 million in an effort to defeat him. (On Fox News this somehow makes sense.) 

Brian Kilmeade, the other male member of the Three Stooges, outlines all the reasons Democrats should be worried. Lamb ran away from Democratic leadership! He didn’t dare take on Trump! Naturally, the president is lapping up all this propaganda. Ainsley Earnhardt agrees. Lamb “has more of a Republican agenda than he does a Democratic agenda,” she says. This proves Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer need to sweat the midterms in November. 

Sitting up in bed, Trump throws a fist in the air. “I am the greatest POTUS ever!” he shouts. For a moment he loses his train of thought. 

God, Ainsley has sweet legs. I’d like to grab some of that!

 

He refocuses. The Stooges agree that polls showed Lamb winning by six points just a few days ago; but he won by only two tenths of a percent. That shows you how much success Trump had when he went to Pennsylvania to campaign for Saccone. And how about a shout out for Don Jr. and Vice President Jesus, who both visited Pennsylvania 18 to push for Saccone! 

Truly, they must be rejoicing at the Republican National Committee today. Trump carried the district by 20 points in 2016. Now, a Democrat a Republican, Conor Lamb, carries Pennsylvania 18 by roughly 600 votes. 

 

FUN FACT: If you missed Saccone’s closing argument on why voters should pick him, he insisted Democrats hate Trump, hate America and…hate God! 

That’s what he really said.

If the First Lady ditched her philandering husband,

no one would blame her.