October 27, 2017: President Trump Claims "NO COLLUSION," in Caps, of Course

 

10/27/17: Trump is so excited he nearly pees his Depends. His name has totally been cleared! He has never seen a Russian in his entire life. Even in Moscow he kept his eyes closed (except when entering the dressing rooms of half-naked Miss Universe contestants, an activity he always enjoyed). 

Up early on a Friday, at 5:58 he taps away on Twitter. Birthday greetings go out to Lee Greenwood. Joy Villa, a singer gets a dose of tweet-tweet love. Naturally, the president must insult someone to feel fulfilled. This time his target is the “wacky & totally unhinged Tom Steyer.” Between tweets, the president watches Fox & Friends and then thanks the hosts for another heaping serving of pro-president propaganda. Plus, he can’t get enough of Ainsley Earhardt’s legs.

The president and Earhardt.

 

Finally, at 8:33 a.m. he buckles down to the issue at hand. “It is now commonly agreed, after many months of COSTLY looking, that there was NO collusion between Russia and Trump. Was collusion with HC!” he tap-taps. 

Special Counsel Mueller is set to announce his first indictments Monday. Let’s see if Trump gets this right. (See: 10/30-31,2017.)

March 14, 2018: Fox News Claims Conor Lamb, a Democrat Who Won a Special Election, is Really...a Republican

 

3/14/18: Wednesday, the president awakes, vigorously scratches his crotch, and clicks on the TV. He wants to see how the special election in Pennsylvania Congressional District 18 turned out. Tuning in to Fox & Friends, he wonders if he’s in store for good news or bad. Imagine his pleasure when Steve Doocy explains that Conor Lamb, the likely winner, “ran as a Republican.” 

“Melania,” Trump shouts in the direction of the bathroom, “did you know Conor Lamb was a Republican?” 

He forgets Melania is now sleeping in a separate bedroom (see: 2/13/18). Rumor has it she has a sign posted on the door: “Go sleep with Stormy, #POTUS, you pussy-grabbing Lard Ass.”

 

It takes the president a moment to focus. Trump knows he can’t lose, regardless of the outcome of the special election. Lamb, who he labeled “Lamb the Sham” on Saturday, during a campaign rally for Rick Saccone, is – like Saccone – apparently, a Republican! 

That explains why the GOP spent $10 million in an effort to defeat him. (On Fox News this somehow makes sense.) 

Brian Kilmeade, the other male member of the Three Stooges, outlines all the reasons Democrats should be worried. Lamb ran away from Democratic leadership! He didn’t dare take on Trump! Naturally, the president is lapping up all this propaganda. Ainsley Earnhardt agrees. Lamb “has more of a Republican agenda than he does a Democratic agenda,” she says. This proves Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer need to sweat the midterms in November. 

Sitting up in bed, Trump throws a fist in the air. “I am the greatest POTUS ever!” he shouts. For a moment he loses his train of thought. 

God, Ainsley has sweet legs. I’d like to grab some of that!

 

He refocuses. The Stooges agree that polls showed Lamb winning by six points just a few days ago; but he won by only two tenths of a percent. That shows you how much success Trump had when he went to Pennsylvania to campaign for Saccone. And how about a shout out for Don Jr. and Vice President Jesus, who both visited Pennsylvania 18 to push for Saccone! 

Truly, they must be rejoicing at the Republican National Committee today. Trump carried the district by 20 points in 2016. Now, a Democrat a Republican, Conor Lamb, carries Pennsylvania 18 by roughly 600 votes. 

 

FUN FACT: If you missed Saccone’s closing argument on why voters should pick him, he insisted Democrats hate Trump, hate America and…hate God! 

That’s what he really said.

If the First Lady ditched her philandering husband,

no one would blame her.

August 23, 2018: Ainsley Earhardt "Interviews" President Trump - Attorney General Jeff Sessions Issues Warning

 

8/23/18: The president sits down for a softball chat with Human Bobble Head Doll, Ainsley Earhardt, of Fox News. 

 

Trump gets an A+ from Trump. 

Apparently, he’s fixated on her shapely legs. When she asks him how he thinks he’s doing as president, Trump is quick to reply. “I’d give myself an A+.” Earhardt’s empty head wobbles on its spring. 

It appears she agrees. 

The job of a Fox News commentator when Trump talks:

Listen and grin.

Trump can’t see it because he’s a delusional nut job. But his grades are getting worse by the hour. He says again that Paul Manafort is a guy for whom he has “great respect.” Manafort worked for years for Ukrainian politicians in the pocket of Vladimir Putin. He’s just been convicted on charges of hiding $30 million dollars in offshore bank accounts to avoid paying taxes. 

Trump again expresses anger with his Attorney General. Why did Jeff Sessions recuse himself in the Russia investigation! Trump can’t believe it! “What kind of man is this?” he fumes. 

Bobble Head Ainsley wobbles her empty head.

 

Trump informs her that he only knew about payoffs to the porn star and Playboy Bunny at a “later time.” 

If the Bobble Head could actually think, she would have to ask just when that would have been. 

Or: she could have asked, “Mr. President, you said on Air Force One, that you didn’t know anything about the payments? Why should all our catatonic viewers at Fox News believe you now?” 

Trump implies that the “Justice” Department is crooked and rigged and unfair and run by members of the Deep State. Prosecutors, he grumbles, just put people on the stands who are going to lie. 

Ainsley flashes a vacuous smile.

 

You might expect her to ask, “Mr. President, Manafort was convicted on eight felony counts. The jury heard the evidence and decided he was a crook. Are you saying you have no faith in the U.S. justice system?” 

She doesn’t ask. Her head bobbles again.

 

* 

ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSIONS fires back. Before heading to the White House for an already-scheduled meeting, he releases the following statement: 

While I am Attorney General, the actions of the Department of Justice will not be improperly influenced by political considerations [emphasis added]. I demand the highest standards, and where they are not met, I take action. However, no nation has a more talented, more dedicated group of law enforcement investigators and prosecutors than the United States. I am proud to serve with them and proud of the work we have done in successfully advancing the rule of law.

 

Allow me to explain to all those in red MAGA hats: Here you have the Attorney General of the United States making it clear he believes the president is trying to improperly influence current investigations. Sessions is defending the integrity of his department and warning Trump. 

He will uphold the rule of law.