10/27/17: Trump is so excited he nearly
pees his Depends. His name has totally been cleared! He has never seen a
Russian in his entire life. Even in Moscow he kept his eyes closed (except when
entering the dressing rooms of half-naked Miss Universe contestants, an
activity he always enjoyed).
Up
early on a Friday, at 5:58 he taps away on Twitter. Birthday greetings go out
to Lee Greenwood. Joy Villa, a singer gets a dose of tweet-tweet love.
Naturally, the president must insult someone to feel fulfilled. This time his
target is the “wacky & totally unhinged Tom Steyer.” Between tweets, the
president watches Fox & Friends
and then thanks the hosts for another heaping serving of pro-president
propaganda. Plus, he can’t get enough of Ainsley Earhardt’s legs.
The president and Earhardt.
Finally, at 8:33 a.m. he buckles down to the issue at hand.
“It is now commonly agreed, after many months of COSTLY looking, that there was
NO collusion between Russia and Trump. Was collusion with HC!” he tap-taps.
Special Counsel Mueller is set to announce his first indictments Monday. Let’s see if Trump
gets this right. (See: 10/30-31,2017.)
3/14/18: Wednesday, the president
awakes, vigorously scratches his crotch, and clicks on the TV. He wants to see
how the special election in Pennsylvania Congressional District 18 turned out.
Tuning in to Fox & Friends, he
wonders if he’s in store for good news or bad. Imagine his pleasure when Steve
Doocy explains that Conor Lamb, the likely winner, “ran as a
Republican.”
“Melania,” Trump shouts in the direction of the bathroom,
“did you know Conor Lamb was a Republican?”
He forgets Melania is now sleeping in a separate bedroom (see: 2/13/18). Rumor has it she has a
sign posted on the door: “Go sleep with Stormy, #POTUS, you pussy-grabbing Lard
Ass.”
It takes the president a moment to focus. Trump knows he
can’t lose, regardless of the outcome of the special election. Lamb, who he
labeled “Lamb the Sham” on Saturday, during a campaign rally for Rick Saccone,
is – like Saccone – apparently, a Republican!
That explains why the GOP spent $10 million in an effort to defeat him. (On Fox
News this somehow makes sense.)
Brian Kilmeade, the other male member of the Three Stooges,
outlines all the reasons Democrats should be worried. Lamb ran away from
Democratic leadership! He didn’t dare take on Trump! Naturally, the president
is lapping up all this propaganda. Ainsley Earnhardt agrees. Lamb “has more of
a Republican agenda than he does a Democratic agenda,” she says. This proves
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer need to sweat the midterms in November.
Sitting up in bed, Trump throws a fist in the air. “I am the
greatest POTUS ever!” he shouts. For a moment he loses his train of thought.
God,
Ainsley has sweet legs. I’d like to grab some of that!
He refocuses. The Stooges agree that polls showed Lamb
winning by six points just a few days ago; but he won by only two tenths of a
percent. That shows you how much success Trump had when he went to Pennsylvania
to campaign for Saccone. And how about a shout out for Don Jr. and Vice
President Jesus, who both visited Pennsylvania 18 to push for Saccone!
Truly, they must be rejoicing at the Republican National
Committee today. Trump carried the district by 20 points in 2016. Now, a
Democrat a Republican, Conor Lamb, carries Pennsylvania 18 by roughly 600
votes.
FUN FACT: If you missed Saccone’s
closing argument on why voters should pick him, he insisted Democrats hate
Trump, hate America and…hate God!
That’s what he really said.
If the First Lady ditched her philandering husband,
4/26/18: In a rip-snorting, 29-minute
call to Fox & Friends, Trump
decides to vent about… everything.
Part of the time he spends yelling. The rest of the time he’s
sticking his foot so far down his throat, even the Three Stooges who host
appear worried he’s choking.
____________________
“We’ll
see you next Thursday, Mr. President.”
____________________
At one point, Trump catches a denizen of the Washington swamp
in a bold-faced lie. Namely: himself.
He says Michael Cohen did represent him in the Stormy Daniels
case. He tacitly admits he must have known about the $130,000 hush money
payment – because he tells the Fox crew, “And from what I’ve seen, he did
absolutely nothing wrong. There were no campaign funds going into this.” (See: 3/8/18.)
His performance is so unhinged even the Stooges become alarmed. Finally, Brian
Kilmeade realizes it might be time to cut Trump off. “We’ll see you next
Thursday, Mr. President,” he says. “We know you have a lot to do.”
As for Trump, who also graded his work in office as A+ during
the call, he thought the interview went well:
Trump felt this call went great.
*
APPARENTLY, THE THREE STOOGES aren’t the only ones who think
Trump might be coming unglued. The Senate Judiciary Committee votes 14-7, to
move forward with a bill to protect the Mueller
investigation.
Milksop Mitch says he sees no need to bring the bill to the
Senate floor; but the fact four Republicans, including committee chairman Chuck
Grassley, sense danger tells us much about the fear Republicans harbor regarding the nut job in the Oval
Office.
Grassley is clear about the need for protection for
Mueller and any special counsels to come:
Because special counsel investigations
only occur where there is a conflict of interest within the executive branch,
special counsel investigations are usually matters of great national concern.
And Congress, by exercising its oversight powers, can help the American people
to have confidence that these investigations are conducted efficiently and
independently.
*
E.P.A. ADMINISTRATOR SCOTT PRUITT, facing multiple investigations, spends the afternoon
testifying in front of Congress. Did he ever think, lawmakers ask, that maybe
it wasn’t a good idea to create a twenty-person security detail to protect him,
at a cost to taxpayers of $3 million? Nope. His staff told him he could do it.
Did he really need to spend taxpayer dollars to be guarded by
security when he took his family on vacation to Disneyland? Pruitt never saw it
as a problem.
Was he aware that trickery had been employed to raise the
salaries of two top aides? Pruitt says he knew nothing.
Did he realize the secure phone booth he ordered for his
office was going to cost $43,000? Gosh! He had no idea.
Had he possibly noticed that one top political appointee,
paid a princely salary by taxpayers, didn’t bother to come to work?
How could Pruitt have known? If she didn’t come to the
office, he couldn’t see her and didn’t know she wasn’t there.
