8/8/17: The president takes a tough tone with North Korea. “North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States,” he tells reporters visiting him (as is so often the case) at one of his golf courses. “They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen.”
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“They will be met with fire and fury, and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.”
President Trump
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Speaking of Kim Jong-un, Trump insists, “He has been very threatening beyond a normal state, and as I said, they will be met with fire and fury, and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.”
The North Koreans quickly respond: “It is a daydream for the U.S. to think that its mainland is an invulnerable Heavenly kingdom.”
The North conducted its first nuclear test in 2006.
More recently, the North threatened South Korea and 23,500 U.S. military personnel stationed there. At the first sign of any offensive move by our side, Kim Jong-un promises large parts of the USA “will be reduced to ashes and flames.” North Korean missiles will “turn Washington, the stronghold of American imperialists and the nest of evil, and its followers, into a sea of fire.”
(Did he just promise to drain the swamp?)
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8/9/17: A draft report of a major scientific study due on climate change is leaked to the press. Government scientists fear that the Trump administration will whitewash it if they don’t get it out.
“Evidence for a changing climate abounds.”
The draft states that “evidence for a changing climate abounds, from the top of the atmosphere to the depths of the oceans.”
Alas, the report is headed to a White House committee chock
full of political hacks. By the time E.P.A. head Scott Pruitt gets done the
report will be reduced to one sentence: “Coal is freaking awesome!”
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8/10/17: The New York Times and other “Fake News” outlets report that the F.B.I. has conducted a search of former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort’s home. Legal experts say this is a signal from Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller to Manafort, indicating the investigation is heating up.
Already under fire for his role in a secret meeting
including Donald Jr., Jared Kushner, and shady Russian operatives offering dirt
on Hillary Clinton, Manafort may face charges under the federal Bank Secrecy
Act.
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8/11/17: President Trump clearly seems himself as a young Clint Eastwood, only with nukes. If North Korea wants a fight, he’s ready to challenge Kim Jong-un to make his day. He’s feeling frisky and he’s ready to send troops to Venezuela. “Venezuela is not very far away,” he tells reporters, “and the people are dying. We have many options for Venezuela, including a possible military option if necessary.”
“Locked and loaded,” including nukes.
As for North Korea, President Clint insists U.S. forces are ready to fight. We’re “locked and loaded.”
On Guam, an American possession and home to an important U.S. military base, which would be a prime target in case of war, people are worried. Guam’s Office of Civil Defense passes out flyers titled “Preparing for an Imminent Missile Threat” to aid residents in readying for nuclear attack.
If North Korean missiles are launched, inhabitants will have fourteen minutes to take cover. They are instructed to head for the nearest underground concrete bunker. If they find themselves outside, unable to reach safety, they should go “flat on the ground” and cover their heads. If they survive, they should shower with plenty of soap and water to remove radioactive contamination.
“Locked and loaded,” sounds a lot cooler if you’re not
thinking about nuclear warfare. (See: 8/12/17.)
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