April 1, 2020: Jesus on Donald J. Trump's Side

April 1, 2020: The nearly-nationwide lockdown continues; but problems mount. First, the purely stupid. In Pennsylvania, two men are arrested after one chastises the other for not covering his mouth when he coughs while both are pumping gas. Words are passed. 

Maybe germs.

 

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“Burn your church down – turn it into a casino or something. You’re a loser. Bunch of pansies. No balls.” 

Pastor Jonathan Shuttlesworth

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The man who complained ends up hitting the man who coughed with his car. The man who coughed opens fire with a concealed .45 pistol. Both cougher and coughed-upon are under arrest. 

Otherwise, developments are depressing. New York City, hard hit by the virus, reports that 1,400 police officers and department personnel are infected. The death toll in the U.S. has risen to 5,110. 

Nerves are fraying, not just at gas pumps where fools forget to cough into the crooks of their arms. In New Jersey, ten people are charged with attending an engagement party, in violation of a social-distancing ban. Gov. Ron DeSantis bows to reality and issues a stay-at-home order for Florida, as confirmed cases there climb to almost 7,000. In announcing his decision DeSantis tells reporters he changed his mind after watching the president on television. “It is a very serious situation,” he says, something almost everyone else in America had long since figured out themselves. “When you see the President up there and his demeanor the last couple of days, that’s not necessarily how he always is.” 

That is true. The president is usually clueless. He blew off the threat for weeks. Now, here we are as a nation.

Pastor Ronald Howard-Browne.

 

Even a number of pastors have been led away in cuffs. This past Sunday, Dr. Ronald Howard-Browne, a Florida minister, refused to abide by social-distancing orders and held services for hundreds of worshippers. Collection plates were passed, and maybe the virus. Dr. Howard-Browne proves unrepentant and says he has a constitutional right to hold services if he wants. 

Undaunted by such arrests, a Pennsylvania pastor, Jonathan Shuttlesworth, continues to plan for what he hopes will be a “Woodstock-like” Easter service. Coronavirus, begone! Shuttlesworth, a televangelist, has strong feelings about this threat, as he made clear on hearing that churches in Italy and elsewhere were shutting down in the face of COVID-19: 

Shame on every European full gospel church, bunch of sissies, they shut down during this thing. Catholic church not having holy water in the lobby. How holy is the water, then? That should be a sign to you that your whole religion is a fraud. Any religion that doesn’t work in real life is a fake faith. Totally fake….If you’re putting out pamphlets and telling everybody to use Purell before they come into the sanctuary and don’t greet anyone, you should just turn in your ministry credentials and burn your church down – turn it into a casino or something. You’re a loser. Bunch of pansies. No balls. Got neutered somewhere along the line and don’t even realize it.

 

Heretofore, Shuttlesworth, has been a big fan of President Trump, even predicting on March 2, that “America will be minimally affected [emphasis added]” by the coronavirus outbreak because of Trump’s support for Israel. “If it’s a plan from the deep state to practice shutting America down [for] population control, it will fail,” Shuttlesworth barks. “The Lord,” he promises, “looks at the plans of the wicked and laughs, and men can’t override God’s blessing.” 

Then again, God’s protection might not extend to the liberal parts of the nation. Pastor Shuttlesworth continues: 

I exclude from my prediction the Pacific Northwest, California, and New York, because in a God honoring nation, those are four places that have chosen to give God the middle finger in the shape of an Empire State Building lit up in pink to celebrate the passage of the [law] that you can kill a baby. So if it did hit Washington state hard, with that government there, Oregon, with that government, California. Let me tell you: your government matters. If it hits New York, you will not see me surprised.

 

According to Shuttlesworth’s brand of Christianity, God must want those brave NYPD officers to get sick. He must have wanted to hear gunfire at the gas station. He must have wanted both parents of Buddy Baker, an agent for NFL players, to die within six minutes of each other. God in His infinite wisdom wanted 3.28 million Americans to find themselves out of work last week, no doubt including some of Shuttlesworth’s own congregants. God smote the nurse in Miami, and the doctor in Margate, Florida, both of whom were caring for the sick before they died. In Shuttlesworth’s view, Jesus would side with Donald J. Trump, and strike down those of us who think the president is a liar and a fraud.

BLOGGER’S NOTE: A little more investigation reveals that Howard-Browne is a 58-year-old native of South Africa and head of a successful megachurch. The good Reverend has called climate change “garbage,” and warns that the U.S. will soon find itself in “an actual physical war” with an unnamed nation. 

COVID, he tells parishioners, is a “phantom plague.” The Tampa Bay Times reports that he has claimed the outbreak was planned at a meeting hosted by Bill and Melinda Gates – in hopes of helping finalize the socialist takeover of the U.S. government. “Your life’s not going to be cut off early," he assured his audience one recent Sunday. “You’re not going to be taken out by some stupid bug. Are you with me?” 

The flock cheered in lusty fashion, just as Jesus would have wanted – assuming Jesus didn’t believe in coronaviruses.