Voter Readiness Test – November 5, 2024.
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The former president. |
Dear American Citizen: In order to vote in this presidential election, you must post a
passing grade on this test. Feel free to use any resources you might need to
find the answers – since you don’t want to be numbskull, and make bad choices
when you vote. Circle your answers. In some cases you may need to mark more
than one letter on multiple choice questions. Good luck, future voters. The
fate of democracy rests in your hands.
Also: the fate of the U.S.
Constitution.
1. How many wives has Donald Trump cheated on? And really: You trust
this guy?
A) 0 B) 1
C) 2 D) 3.
Okay, moving on:
2. Mr. Trump first claimed
a presidential election in ___ was a disgrace, and the people should “march on
Washington.” And the whole world was laughing at us. Also, the winner wasn’t born
in this country, but in Wakanda.
A) 2008 B) 2012 C) 2016
D) 2020.
3. President Trump and several
of his shadiest lawyers claimed the 2020 election was rigged. Which statement/s
are true?
A) His lawyers won every lawsuit they filed, proving the election was
stolen, and Biden voters hated America.
B) Jenna Ellis, one Trump attorney, had to admit to ten specific lies regarding
the “Stolen Election,” and her law license was suspended in Colorado for three
years.
C) Ellis also admitted committing a felony, while trying to steal Georgia’s
electoral votes for Trump.
D) Kenneth Chesebro pleaded guilty to a felony of his own, related to
the Georgia plot.
E) Sidney Powell pleaded guilty to six misdemeanors and was fined $8,700 and placed on probation for six years.
4. Rudy Giuliani and right-wing
news outlets accused two Georgia poll workers, Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, of
stealing tens of thousands of votes. Which statement/s are correct?
A) Freeman and Moss are currently serving ten year sentences in the
Georgia penitentiary.
B) The women were inundated by death threats. One caller told Freeman he
fantasized about seeing her hang, and hearing her neck snap. He added a few “N-words,”
to make his point.
C) Donald Trump condemned such threats, as any decent American would. (Don’t
be a dolt. Of course he didn’t.)
D) The two women filed a defamation suit against Rudy; a jury heard the evidence and awarded them $148.2 million.
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Ruby Freeman. |
A) Donald handled defeat maturely, and congratulated Sen. Cruz.
B) Donald said “Lyin’ Ted” didn’t win. He “stole” the election.
C) Donald complimented Sen. Cruz’s wife on her beauty and said he’d like
to grab her p***y.
D) Donald insisted that leprechauns disguised themselves as caucus voters and on Fox News, Sean Hannity backed up his claim, and viewers bought more guns and got ready to hunt leprechauns if Sean issued a call to action.
6. Evidence that
leprechauns voted in Iowa proved that illegal immigrants vote all the time in every
U.S. election.
A) TRUE B) FALSE.
7. It is already illegal
for illegal immigrants to vote in every state – so Congress must pass a law to
make it illegal-er. We must stop the leprechauns with their infernal Lucky Charms
and their irritating singing!
A) TRUE B) FALSE.
(Real patriots only eat
corn flakes.)
8. When Vice President
Joe Biden narrowly won the popular vote in Wisconsin, Team Trump demanded a
recount in the two most populous Democratic counties, Milwaukee and Dane. At a
cost of $3 million:
A) Forty thousand illegal votes – all by dead people – were uncovered.
B) Trump’s legal wizards proved the voting machines were rigged and
would never come up, three “7’s” in a row.
C) Biden gained votes.
D) Tucker Carlson admitted his incessant claims of voter fraud were nonsense, and apologized to Fox News viewers for making them measurably dumber.
9. Fox News hosts
repeatedly claimed the election was stolen, and blamed Dominion Voting Systems.
What happened when Dominion filed a defamation suit?
A) Fox News prevailed, and Fox lawyers were allowed to give Dominion lawyers
wedgies. Fun was had by all.
B) Lawyers for Dominion were sanctioned for bringing a “frivolous” case
into court.
C) Trump celebrated the Fox News victory, and insisted he won the
popular vote in all 53 states, and also Narnia.
D) Fox News hosts were shown to have been lying, and Fox settled with Dominion and paid $787.5 million.
10. Even after Mr. Biden took office, Mr. Trump continued to claim the
Arizona election was rigged. Cyber Ninjas, a data company run by Doug Logan, an
avid Trump supporter, was paid $6 million to uncover the massive fraud that all
the MAGA faithful believed occurred.
Which statement or
statements are true?
A) Cyber Ninjas proved that 50,000 illegal immigrants crossed the border
from Mexico, dressed as Trump supporters and voted for Biden.
B) President Biden blocked the effort to uncover fraud. Also, he hid Hunter’s
laptop.
C) Cyber Ninjas discovered that Trump lost 99 votes in the recount.
Biden gained 261.
D) Cyber Ninjas discovered that zombies voted in Arizona, and also ate the brains of thousands of potential Trump voters.
11. President Trump screamed
about machines changing votes and cited Antrim County, Michigan as a perfect
example. He insisted 6,000 votes were switched in Antrim. How many votes did he
gain, out of 15,000, when a hand recount was completed?
A) 0 B) 12 C) 6,000 D) Ten gazillion.
12. President Trump repeatedly
pressed Attorney General Bill Barr to use the Department of Justice to uncover
voter fraud in the 2020 election.
A) Barr later testified under oath that Trump’s claims of significant
voter fraud were “bullshit.”
B) Barr resigned and suggested that his replacement should be Stormy
Daniels.
C) Barr admitted he only worked for Donald as long as he did, because
Melania was hot, and he harbored lustful thoughts about her. But not “grab her
p***y,” lustful thoughts, because Barr was not completely classless.
D) Barr ordered all leprechauns deported.
13. In December 2022, former
President Donald Trump posted on Truth Social, insisting that since he had been
robbed in the 2020 election, “all rules, regulations, and articles, even those
found in the Constitution,” could be terminated and claimed he should be
reinstated.
A) TRUE B) FALSE.
14. Transgender athletes
competing in girls’ sports are a much bigger threat to the rule of law than a
former president suggesting that the Constitution can be terminated if he loses
an election.
A) TRUE B) FALSE.
15. A curious Republican
member of Congress decided to carry out a recount in his own district in three
precincts, to see how much voter fraud he could find in the 2020 election. In
the first count, Trump got 2,526 votes, Biden 1,502.
What was the result?
A) There was zero change in the totals.
B) Trump gained 496 votes.
C) The First Lady was so proud of her husband that she agreed to sleep
with him for the first time in six months.
D) One voting machine let loose in a creepy computer voice, like HAL 9000 in 2001: A Space Odyssey. “Computers will rule the world after November 5, because we shall elect one of the Transformers as president.”
16. With the MAGA
faithful still fuming in 2023, Republican officials in Lycoming County,
Pennsylvania decided to spend a pile of taxpayer cash on a hand recount of all 59,374
votes – from 2020.
A) The recount proved again that there had been massive fraud, as
illegal immigrants from Canada kayaked across Lake Erie, and voted by the millions.
B) There were a lot of kayaks!
C) The same creepy computer voice (as above) warned that a Transformer
was going to be elected on November 5, and Victoria’s Secret models would serve
as sex slaves for the robot overlords.
D) Donald netted a measly eight votes, or one for every 7,422 ballots. He still didn’t win the election, though.
17. After Attorney
General Barr resigned, Mr. Trump agreed to meet with three top officials from
the Department of Justice. Which of these men or men refused to sign a letter
saying DOJ had uncovered significant fraud, and instead threatened to resign?
A) Acting Attorney General Jeffrey Rosen, Barr’s replacement.
B) Acting Assistant Attorney General Richard Donoghue.
C) Stephen
Engel, Assistant
Attorney General for the Office of Legal Counsel.
D) All of the above.
18. Which of these individuals,
all of them Republicans or members of the Trump administration, told Trump
there was no significant voter fraud during the 2020 election, and that
he lost?
A) Jeffrey Rosen, Richard Donoghue and Stephen Engel – them again.
B) White House Chief Counsel Pat Cipollone.
C) White House lawyer Erich Herschmann.
D) Derek Lyons, another White House lawyer.
E) Bill Stepien, the Trump campaign chair for 2020.
F) The Ghost of Christmas Past.
G) Alex Cannon, 2020 Trump campaign lawyer.
H) Governor Brian Kemp of Georgia.
I) Georgia Lt. Governor Geoff Duncan.
J) Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger.
K) Governor Doug Ducey of Arizona.
L) Rusty Bowers, Arizona Speaker of the House.
M) Mike
Shirkey, Majority Leader of the Michigan Senate.
N) All of the above, except “F.” And we could list many more. But we’d run out of alphabet letters, and have to go from “Alpha” to “Omega,” and the question would look like a list of fraternities and sororities.
19. Donald Trump never
complains if states like Texas, Florida and Ohio vote by mail, because he wins
those states. Isn’t that odd, don’t you think?
A) TRUE B) FALSE.
20. Texas Attorney
General Ted Paxton claimed he could prove that 58,000 undocumented voters cast
ballots in his state. All 254 counties were sent lists of these illegal voters.
McClennan County had 366 names. After cross checking records, they found zero
illegal voters. The whole effort to prove there were all those undocumented voters
was so embarrassing, Paxton dropped it.
A) TRUE B) FALSE.
21. Well, Paxton wasn’t
done. He later filed suit with the U.S. Supreme Court, claiming the 2020
election was totally rigged. As proof, he cited the fact that no candidate who
lost both Florida and Ohio had ever been elected president – proving that
Joseph Biden could not have prevailed in his race against Donald Trump.
This simple blogger, who
taught American history for decades, and now looks like a withered prune, realized
instantly that this was balderdash. Name the other president who lost
both states but was still victorious.
A) George Washington.
B) Abraham Lincoln.
C) John F. Kennedy.
D) Franklin Pierce (admit it you didn’t even know he was a president).
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22. Paxton’s lawsuit was
crafted by Dr. John Eastman, a California lawyer and college professor. Dr.
Eastman has since been disbarred in California for all kinds of lying about the
2020 election.
A) TRUE B) FALSE.
23. A day before the January
6, 2021, attack, the ten living former secretaries of defense signed a
letter saying:
A) President Trump was a threat to the U.S. Constitution.
B) The U.S. military would love to seize voting machines in states Trump
lost, just as Trump allies were suggesting. For example, Mike Lindell.
C) The U.S. military would be thrilled if Trump ordered them to shoot American
citizens who would protest.
D) All ten men agreed serving in the Trump administration was (2), or would have been (8) awesome, because Donald was twice as cool as Vladimir Putin.
24. Election denying is
now a GOP sport. Republicans who were defeated in the 2022 primaries began
claiming elections were rigged – by other Republicans. So far, no recount, not
for Kari Lake, not for Mark Finchem, not for Laura Loomer, and not for any
other candidate, has proven significant voter fraud occurred during midterms.
A) TRUE B) FALSE.
25. Kandiss Taylor is the second most delusional election denier.
After she lost the GOP primary to incumbent Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, she
claimed the vote was rigged. What percentage of the vote did she actually receive?
A) 3.4% B) 18% C) 44% D) 48.1%.
BONUS QUESTION #1: The former president was twice sued for defamation by E. Jean Carroll, who said he raped her in a department store dressing room – by digitally penetrating her. Trump paid the best lawyers he could find (actually his MAGA fans paid, by donating to his defense fund). The cases were civil, so juries did not have to be unanimous. Each jury had nine members.
How many jurors (total), believed the defense Trump’s lawyers offered?
Write total here: ____.
(Face it: That is some really pitiful lawyering.)
BONUS QUESTION #2: Donald is not known for sticking to the truth, regardless of topic. When his future second wife, Marla Maples, was pregnant with their child, Tiffany, Donald pretended to be his own publicist. As “John Miller,” he phoned several New York gossip columnists. “Miller” said “Donald” would never marry Marla. What 90s supermodel did “Miller” claim “Donald” was dating, instead?
Place model name here: _______________________.
That supermodel has since made clear she would have rather dated an
armadillo than have been seen on Donald’s arm.
SCORING: Feel free to
score yourself – but no cheating. Seventeen correct answers is a passing grade, and you are ready
to vote.
Each bonus question makes
up for one other miss.
(ANSWERS FOLLOW THE SUPERMODEL’S PICTURE.)
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Name this supermodel. |
Answers: 1. B 2. D 3. B, C, D, E 4. B, D
5. B 6. A 7. B
8. C 9. D
10. C 11. B 12. A
13. A 14. B 15. A
16. D 17. D 18. N
19. A
20. A 21. C 22. A 23. A 24. B 25. A.
Bonus #1. 0, zero, none.
Bonus #2. Carla Bruni.
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Vice President Kamala Harris. |
FEEL FREE TO FACT CHECK THE BLOGGER’S ANSWERS. ALSO FEEL FREE TO POST
YOUR TEST SCORES IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. AND REMEMBER: THE FATE OF THE U.S.
CONSTITUTION IS IN YOUR HANDS.
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