Former President Trump and his family were enjoying lunch at Mar-a-Lago this Veterans Day. As often happens at family gatherings, those who served their country opened up a little and reminisced.
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“I’d like to see those bone spurs.”
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Eric Trump had had far too much champagne. His words came out slurred when he asked his dad, “Di granpu ’ver talk about wha he did in World War I?”
His stepmom gave Eric the side-eye. The former president’s dad was 13 when World War I ended.
Eric clearly meant World War
II.
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When called to serve, Trumps don't answer. |
Eric’s dad doesn’t drink and answered proudly. “Are you kidding? Your grandpa didn’t serve. He was 36 when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. He wasn’t a sucker who wanted to fight for his country and get blown to bits. He stayed home, safe, and warm, and procreated with grandma. He made a killing in housing construction, especially after millions of vets returned from the war. Some were missing arms and legs, and wanted to start families and buy homes.”
Barron Trump piped up, “What about those men and women who never returned?”
Don Jr. cut him off: “Good old grandpa. That guy knew how to make a million bucks, and then dodge taxes, too.”
A dinner companion, John Galt,
interjected, “Didn’t George Washington once compare money to the “sinews of
war?”
Galt noticed that Barron, seated next to Melania, looked perplexed. “Sinews,” Galt added. “Without proper financing, without tax revenue to spend, Washington meant, a military can’t hold itself together for long.”
“Taxes!” the former president snorted. “We don’t pay taxes in this family, unless we get caught.”
Everyone at the table, save Galt and Barron, enjoyed a hearty laugh.
“Yeah,” Jared Kushner said. “Ivanka and I went years and never paid a dime to the federal government. My own dad taught me that.”
“Did you ever serve in uniform, Uncle Jared?” Barron asked. “What about you, Uncle Eric? Or you, Uncle Don?”
Barron’s father spoke up. “Son, we Trump’s don’t like to get shot. There’s no money in serving your country. And don’t you forget it. Remember that loser, John McCain? Got shot down on a bombing mission over North Vietnam. I don’t like guys who get shot down – and don’t make all the money they can. Don’t be a fool, son. Don’t get sent to someplace like Iraq or Afghanistan, or anywhere else, to get maimed or killed. Only dopes enlist.”
“But didn’t President Biden’s son Beau join the…” Barron started to say.
At the words, “President
Biden,” conversation came to a halt. Barron’s mom kicked him under the table,
to get him to shut up.
Don Jr. tried to cover up the awkward moment, telling his younger half-brother, “Barron, no Trump in our direct line has ever served. We plan to keep it that way. We like to talk about patriotism because the suckers fall for it every time. I was 23 when the 9/11 attack occurred. I was young and immature. What did I know? But I knew enough to realize I didn’t want to have my arm, or face, or wiener shot off.”
Eric winced a little, and shook his head to counteract the effects of too much drink, “I wa olee 17. I coul have enlished if dad had said yeah.”
“Like I would have ever!” the former president responded. “We’re the ‘Fighting Trumps,’ right!”
There was general merriment at the table, save for Galt and the youngest member of the clan. Galt, a college friend of Ivanka’s, was sorry he had accepted the invitation to dine with the Trumps. These weren’t the conservative values he had been raised by his parents to embrace.
These were no values at all.
Ivanka spoke next. She could tell Barron was feeling bad. “Barron, you’re young. You might be idealistic now. You’ll figure it out. Trumps don’t fight for their country. They watch others march off to war. Your great, great grandfather Friedrich Trump, who first came to America in 1885, was fleeing military service in Bavaria. He passed the tradition down. Look at Dad. He could have gone to Vietnam and tramped through rice paddies and hacked through jungle. But he’s a brilliant man. He convinced a doctor to write him a letter, and say he had bone spurs, and couldn’t serve. He got…what was it, Dad? Four draft deferments?”
“Five, honey,” Don Sr. replied with pride. “I just kept right on going to college, while poor chumps got drafted and killed, until the war ended. I knew I was completely safe.”
“Even Jared knew enough never to enlist,” Ivanka added with a kindly smile for Barron. “He was 20 when terrorists hit New York City…”
Don Sr. interrupted, “I was there that day. I saw the Twin Towers collapse.” Don Jr. nodded. He had seen them fall, too.
“Do you think he was foolish enough to enlist?” Ivanka continued. “Thankfully, no. Now, Barron, we’re lucky. We’re all raising our families, safe and sound. We’re going to pass down the tradition to our children, and we hope they will pass it down to the next generation, and the next.”
“Trups don’ sev,” Eric said,
and then passed out, face down in his plate.
Don Jr. gave a cruel laugh, both at Eric’s fate and Barron’s childish worldview. “Come on, Barron. Get real. Dad made sure Lt. Col. Vindman didn’t get the promotion the U.S. Army said he deserved, after he testified under oath during the Ukraine impeachment. Dad insulted General Mattis. He trashed General Kelly. He said Admiral McRaven was a loser. You don’t think we really care about the men and women who serve, do you? We only pretend to respect them so that we get what we want.”
“Well, I’ve got a golf game in fifteen minutes,” Barron’s father added. “So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go get my clubs and shoes.”
“Dad,” Barron tried again, “did you ever get your feet x-rayed back in the day. I’d like to see those bone spurs…”
Donald patted his son on the
head. “My boy, someday, you’ll understand,” he smiled.
Eric lifted his face from his plate. He had mashed potatoes and gravy up his nose. “Wha?” he mumbled, and then passed out and toppled from his chair.
After the servants carted Eric away, and his father left the table, Barron tried one more time. “Mom,” he wondered, “when I turn 18, do you think Dad would be proud if I joined the Marines?”
More like he’d be proud if you banged a porn queen, his mother thought to herself.
All she said was, “We’ll see,
Barron. We’ll see.”
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