Former President Trump and his
family were enjoying lunch at Mar-a-Lago this Veterans Day. As often happens at
family gatherings, those who served their country opened up a little and
reminisced.
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“I’d like to see those bone spurs.”
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Eric Trump had had far too
much champagne. His words came out slurred when he asked his dad, “Di granpu ’ver
talk about wha he did in World War I?”
His stepmom gave Eric the
side-eye. The former president’s dad was 13 when World War I ended.
Eric clearly meant World War
II.
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When called to serve, Trumps don't answer. |
Eric’s dad doesn’t drink and answered
proudly. “Are you kidding? Your grandpa didn’t serve. He was 36 when the
Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. He wasn’t a sucker who wanted to fight for his
country and get blown to bits. He stayed home, safe, and warm, and procreated
with grandma. He made a killing in housing construction, especially after
millions of vets returned from the war. Some were missing arms and legs, and
wanted to start families and buy homes.”
Barron Trump piped up, “What
about those men and women who never returned?”
Don Jr. cut him off: “Good old
grandpa. That guy knew how to make a million bucks, and then dodge taxes, too.”
A dinner companion, John Galt,
interjected, “Didn’t George Washington once compare money to the “sinews of
war?”
Galt noticed that Barron,
seated next to Melania, looked perplexed. “Sinews,” Galt added. “Without proper
financing, without tax revenue to spend, Washington meant, a military can’t
hold itself together for long.”
“Taxes!” the former president
snorted. “We don’t pay taxes in this family, unless we get caught.”
Everyone at the table, save Galt and Barron, enjoyed a hearty laugh.
“Yeah,” Jared Kushner said. “Ivanka
and I went years and never paid a dime to the federal government. My own dad
taught me that.”
“Did you ever serve in uniform,
Uncle Jared?” Barron asked. “What about you, Uncle Eric? Or you, Uncle Don?”
Barron’s father spoke up.
“Son, we Trump’s don’t like to get shot. There’s no money in serving your
country. And don’t you forget it. Remember that loser, John McCain? Got shot
down on a bombing mission over North Vietnam. I don’t like guys who get shot
down – and don’t make all the money they can. Don’t be a fool, son. Don’t get sent
to someplace like Iraq or Afghanistan, or anywhere else, to get maimed or
killed. Only dopes enlist.”
“But didn’t President Biden’s
son Beau join the…” Barron started to say.
At the words, “President
Biden,” conversation came to a halt. Barron’s mom kicked him under the table,
to get him to shut up.
Don Jr. tried to cover up the
awkward moment, telling his younger half-brother, “Barron, no Trump in our
direct line has ever served. We plan to keep it that way. We like to talk about
patriotism because the suckers fall for it every time. I was 23 when the 9/11
attack occurred. I was young and immature. What did I know? But I knew enough
to realize I didn’t want to have my arm, or face, or wiener shot off.”
Eric winced a little, and shook
his head to counteract the effects of too much drink, “I wa olee 17. I coul
have enlished if dad had said yeah.”
“Like I would have ever!” the
former president responded. “We’re the ‘Fighting Trumps,’ right!”
There was general merriment at
the table, save for Galt and the youngest member of the clan. Galt, a college
friend of Ivanka’s, was sorry he had accepted the invitation to dine with the Trumps.
These weren’t the conservative values he had been raised by his parents to
embrace.
These were no values at all.
Ivanka spoke next. She could
tell Barron was feeling bad. “Barron, you’re young. You might be idealistic
now. You’ll figure it out. Trumps don’t fight for their country. They watch
others march off to war. Your great, great grandfather Friedrich Trump, who
first came to America in 1885, was fleeing military service in Bavaria. He passed
the tradition down. Look at Dad. He could have gone to Vietnam and tramped
through rice paddies and hacked through jungle. But he’s a brilliant man. He
convinced a doctor to write him a letter, and say he had bone spurs, and
couldn’t serve. He got…what was it, Dad? Four draft deferments?”
“Five, honey,” Don Sr. replied
with pride. “I just kept right on going to college, while poor chumps got
drafted and killed, until the war ended. I knew I was completely safe.”
“Even Jared knew enough never
to enlist,” Ivanka added with a kindly smile for Barron. “He was 20 when terrorists
hit New York City…”
Don Sr. interrupted, “I was
there that day. I saw the Twin Towers collapse.” Don Jr. nodded. He had seen
them fall, too.
“Do you think he was foolish
enough to enlist?” Ivanka continued. “Thankfully, no. Now, Barron, we’re lucky.
We’re all raising our families, safe and sound. We’re going to pass down the tradition
to our children, and we hope they will pass it down to the next generation, and
the next.”
“Trups don’ sev,” Eric said,
and then passed out, face down in his plate.
Don Jr. gave a cruel laugh,
both at Eric’s fate and Barron’s childish worldview. “Come on, Barron. Get
real. Dad made sure Lt. Col. Vindman didn’t get the promotion the U.S. Army
said he deserved, after he testified under oath during the Ukraine impeachment.
Dad insulted General Mattis. He trashed General Kelly. He said Admiral McRaven
was a loser. You don’t think we really
care about the men and women who serve, do you? We only pretend to respect them
so that we get what we want.”
“Well, I’ve got a golf game in
fifteen minutes,” Barron’s father added. “So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to
go get my clubs and shoes.”
“Dad,” Barron tried again,
“did you ever get your feet x-rayed back in the day. I’d like to see those bone
spurs…”
Donald patted his son on the
head. “My boy, someday, you’ll understand,” he smiled.
Eric lifted his face from his
plate. He had mashed potatoes and gravy up his nose. “Wha?” he mumbled, and
then passed out and toppled from his chair.
After the servants carted Eric
away, and his father left the table, Barron tried one more time. “Mom,” he
wondered, “when I turn 18, do you think Dad would be proud if I joined the
Marines?”
More like he’d be
proud if you banged a porn queen,
his mother thought to herself.
All she said was, “We’ll see,
Barron. We’ll see.”
