April 28, 2020: True or False? The PPP Program Has Worked to Perfection

 

4/28/20: Let’s see how the Paycheck Protection Plan (PPP) is going. This plan was created to help save America’s small businesses during the coronavirus shutdown. The most any company was supposed to receive under the program was a $10 million loan, at 1% interest. Small businesses were defined as having 500 workers or less. But it turns out the Trump-McConnell plan, which handed out $349 billion in the first round, had a few “flaws.” 

Yesterday, the second round kicked off with another $310 billion to give to small businesses in need. 

I believe it will be clear to you after you take a little quiz, why Trump worked so hard to get rid of the Inspector General who would have had oversight over how PPP funding was distributed. 

Seriously? We got a PPP loan? 

 

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN THE PRESIDENT? 

(Circle the correct answer or answers.) 

1.     The Los Angeles Lakers applied for and received a $10 million PPP loan. The Lakers franchise was recently valued at $4.4 billion. Since only five employees can be on the court at one time, this small business obviously needed a loan to survive.   TRUE   FALSE 

2.     AutoNation, with more than 300 outlets nationwide, filed PPP requests from multiple outlets and received $77 million. Up in heaven, Wayne Huizenga smiled to see that the company he founded in 1996 had been saved by taxpayer largess. In 2018, when he died, Huizenga was worth a cool $2.8 billion. Bill Gates owns a 16% stake in the company, so you know AutoNation needed rescuing by taxpayers like you and me.   TRUE   FALSE 

3.     Ashford Inc. has 130 properties around the country. Last year the company was valued at $5 billion. Ashford is exactly what a reasonable person would think of when thinking “small business.”   TRUE   FALSE

 

4.     Ashford filed for multiple loans through subsidiaries. Total received: $60 million. Ashford deserved that cash more than your local bakery, which employed eleven people and asked for $44,000, which bakery got shut out in round one – because money ran out.   TRUE   FALSE 

5.     Ashford is owned by Monty J. Bennett. His compensation in 2018 came to $6,094,056. He did have two bad years, earning a measly $5,732,750 in 2017 and scrimping by in 2016, on $4,365,333. Bennett had no way to bail out his business except those PPP loans.   TRUE   FALSE 

6.     It would be lots of fun to know if the Trump Organization filed for and received PPP loans.   TRUE   FALSE

 

7.     They probably did. (This is not a question, though.) 

8.     Ruth’s Hospitality Group (RHG), which runs Ruth Chris Steak Houses, had revenue of $468 million in 2019, and a profit of $42 million. RHG managed to snag a pair of $10 million loans. RHG needed the cash in order to keep paying their CEO’s a living wage. As in $13.5 million over a period of three years. (That was for 2015-2017.) Or $6.1 million to Cheryl Henry, who took over as CEO in 2018. Taxpayers should be proud to bail company shareholders and CEO’s out.   TRUE   FALSE 

9.     There is no possible way that executives at RHG could have taken less compensation in the past and set aside money for rough times like this.   TRUE   FALSE

 

10. Quantum, which specializes in computer storage devices, said it received a $10 million PPP loan. As CBS has noted, “Quantum is 16% owned by a $500 million investment firm that specializes in buyouts.” CEO Jamie Lerner was paid nearly $2.3 million in 2019. As a taxpayer, you have to be feeling good about helping Quantum thrive.   TRUE   FALSE 

11. Nothing says “saving American jobs” like loaning money to a company that specializes in buyouts.   TRUE   FALSE 

12. The Fiesta Restaurant Group, which had $660.9 million in sales last year, and employs 10,480 people, got the max loan. Fiesta clearly qualified as a business with 500 employees or less.   TRUE   FALSE

 

13. Hallador Energy, a coal-mining operation with $317.4 million in sales and 915 employees, got a loan. In March the company announced the permanent closure of its mine in Carlisle, Indiana and a “reduction in force” involving sixty workers. “Our hearts go out to our co-workers who are affected by this action, and we are grateful to them for their dedication and service,” CFO Lawrence D. Martin said. “We regret the impact that will be felt by their families and the community.” As in: This mine is permanently closed. Therefore, Hallador deserves a loan.   TRUE   FALSE 

14. Shake Shack, a national fast food chain, had $100 million in cash on hand when it applied for a loan. As soon as the PPP program was up and running, Shake Shack elbowed its way to the front of the line and received $10 million. Shake Shack had no other choice than to ask for a loan.   TRUE   FALSE 

15. Broadwind Energy, which constructs giant wind towers, received a loan, but for only $9.5 million. That sucks for them.   TRUE   FALSE

 

16. President Trump has said that windmill noise causes cancer. Loaning Broadwind money is part of a plot to kill unsuspecting Americans.   TRUE   FALSE. 

17. Windmill noise does not cause cancer. Only an idiot would say that it does.   TRUE   FALSE 

18. The Washington Post filed a Freedom of Information Act request with the Small Business Administration (SBA), seeking a list of all companies that received PPP funds. SBA closed the request without providing information. This proves that reporters are “Enemies of the People.”   TRUE   FALSE

 

19. Monday morning, at 10:30, the second round of PPP loans was made available. Minutes later the system crashed. We should definitely elect Donald J. Trump again.   TRUE   FALSE 

20.  Based on previous evidence, you should probably be worried about the way the Trump administration is dealing with this crisis because ___.

A)    Health and Human Services Director Alex Azar chose a former breeder of Labradoodles to head up the HHS coronavirus response. 

B)     The White House aide in charge of hiring for many positions is President Trump’s 29-year-old former body servant. He got fired from one White House job in 2018, reportedly due to a drinking and gambling problem. 

C)    Trump’s first choice to head the EPA got canned after it was revealed he used his security detail to drive him around Washington D.C. so he could find his favorite hand soap. 

D)   Trump believes the human body can produce only a limited amount of energy over a lifetime. Once you burn some it cannot be replaced. 

E)     This explains why the president looks like a 239-pound blob of cookie dough wearing pants. 

F)     All of the above.

 

Answers: 1. Amazingly false! 2. False. 3. False. 4. False. 5. False. 6. True. 7. ---. 8. False. 9. False. 10. False. 11. False. 12. Good Lord: Mathematically false. 13. False. 14. False. 15. Sort of true. 16. False (trick question, because when Trump said that he was talking science nonsense). 17. True. 18. False (if you marked “True” you get the Dunce Cap and have to sit in a corner until the next election passes). 19. False. 20. All of the above.

 

* 

“We’ll be there very soon.” 

DURING ANOTHER ONE of his interminable press conferences, Trump claimed, when asked by reporters, that the U.S. would soon be able to test five million people per day for the virus. 

Or, as Trump put it, “We’ll be there very soon.” 

Since the greatest number of tests performed in one day, so far, had been 314,182, this prediction seemed, shall we say, “optimistic.” When reporters asked the Maestro of Misinformation to clarify his answer, he replied, “If you look at the numbers, it could be that we’re getting very close.” 

Unfortunately, earlier that day, Admiral Brett Giroir, the man in charge of the government’s testing response, said “there is absolutely no way on Earth, on this planet or any other planet” that we could be doing five million tests a day, maybe ever. 

Okay. Not getting close.