August 17, 2019: According to Trump, Everything is Rigged

 

8/17/19: Vacation at his private Bedminster, N.J. golf club is not helping the president’s sour, surly mood.

 

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A satire on rigged thermometers, and such.

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Saturday morning, for starters, Trump discovers that the bathroom scale in his suite has been rigged! (See: 8/14/19.) 

Having lumbered into the bathroom after a restless night, spent alone, he steps on the scales. The red numbers blink: “260.” He’s headed for William Howard Taft territory if this keeps up. 

“These numbers are a hoax!” he shouts.

 

Trump sits down for breakfast soon after, a bowl of Fruit Loops drenched in cream. He turns on the television and tunes to Fox News. 

“Holy hell!” he howls. “Fox & Friends has been rigged!” The hosts are reporting that if the election were held today, he would lose. 

“There’s something going on at Fox,” the president mutters and clicks the remote several times more.

 

Idly, he channels surfs – the Cartoon Network, a favorite – the Home Shopping Network, the best! Unfortunately, while switching channels, he catches a story about large die-offs of salmon, sockeye, and other fish in Alaska rivers. A reporter says unnaturally high water temperatures are to blame…” 

“Global warming,” Trump sneers. “Those scientists don’t fool me. The thermometers are rigged.”

Dead salmon.

 

An aide knocks at his bedroom door, interrupting the president’s vent. “Sir, the economic reports you wanted…” 

“Get in here!” Trump shouts. His economic numbers – his pride and joy – his reason for being – are ready. 

“Sir,” the aide says, “I think you should brace yourself. Economists say your tariffs are hurting farmers. The stock market is up a mere 1.7 percent since last August. The deficit for Fiscal Year 2019 is expected to surpass a trill…” 

“RIGGED NUMBERS!” Trump barks. “I promised to wipe out the entire federal deficit in eight years. I’m right on track!”

 

“Sir, those deficit numbers come from…uh…the White House Office of Management and Budget.” 

“RIGGGGGGGGGGGGED NUMBERS!” the president screams. 

“Signs a recession might be coming are growing,” the aide tries again. “Even Fox News is reporting that the uncertainty brought about by your policies may be contributing to a global slow…” 

RIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGED NUMBERS!” Trump shrieks.

 

With that, he hurls his bowl of Fruit Loops at the aide’s head. The aide ducks quickly, and backs from the room.