February 12, 2018: A Liberal Sees the Light on Walls

 

2/12/18: An entire day passes. Trump does not issue a single stupid tweet. This fuels rumors that he is being held hostage by Chief of Staff John Kelly, but appears to be “Fake News.” 

In the real world, I am thinking it might be fun to read the Democratic response to the half-assed Nunes Memo (see: 2/3/18). The House Judicial Committee has voted unanimously to release the rebuttal. 

Unfortunately, Mr. Trump has said – like his tax returns – that the rebuttal will never see daylight. 

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A liberal sees the light on walls.

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This means I have time to consider all the walls we need and all the illegal immigrants who want to kill me. (Also: opioids, as we shall see.) Let’s consider Trump’s new budget proposal which would balloon the federal deficit, but insure we had the cash to build a big, beautiful wall. 

As a patriotic America, I am going to capitulate and say, yes, we need lots of walls. The more walls the better. Since we have one of the highest murder rates of any advanced nation, here’s what we should focus on when we talk about infrastructure. Forget roads and bridges. Last week, down in Kentucky, a deranged gunman shot and killed his parents, girlfriend, her mother and himself. 

If you watch a lot of Fox News you probably assume the killer was a Mexican or a dark-skinned Muslim from Somalia. Joseph Nickell was not an illegal immigrant and was, in fact, blatantly white, and a fan of...Donald J. Trump. He did own a lot of guns. I believe this proves the National Rifle Association’s argument that the more guns we own the safer we become. 

You know their motto: “A gun in every hand means we’re ready to fight Redcoats whenever they land.”

Nickell - a good Christian man?

 

Anyway, Republicans are never going to do anything to improve gun safety in this country. That means we need walls. We need walls around our homes. Each home should have a wall twenty feet high, with only one opening for egress and exit. Forget windows. Windows are for liberal snowflakes. Also, we might want to add moats. This would protect us from being murdered by illegal immigrants and all the other heavily armed psychopaths roaming our streets. 

We will need to build individual walls around students’ desks in schools. Kentucky suffered another horrific school shooting last month. This time two students were killed and sixteen wounded. This proves, does it not, that more guns can only make us safer! If all those unarmed students had been carrying defensive weaponry and teachers had had AR-15’s and maybe bulletproof vests, they might have returned fire and then everything would have been great! 

We also need walls around our churches. I believe Jesus said that. Think of the slaughter of the innocents in Charleston, South Carolina and Sutherland Springs, Texas. We need to fear illegal immigrants who want to plunk down in our church pews and start illegally praying. Okay, true. Both those heinous crimes were the work of native-born Americans, armed to the teeth. 

Since our elected leaders will do nothing about gun violence, because even universal background checks would somehow spell the irrevocable demise of the Second Amendment, we’re going to need walls. Think of all the jobs a serious wall-building program would generate. 

The economy would boom.

 

The time for bipartisan action is at hand. Congress should appropriate all the necessary funds to build walls around concert venues. Of course, the Las Vegas killer was native-born, too. He also owned a shitload of guns. True enough, but I think this just proves that guns don’t kill people. 

Lack of walls does. 

We need walls. We need walls around movie theaters. We need walls to protect college campuses. We need walls at places where we work. We need walls at nightclubs and cafeterias. We need walls to protect us on baseball fields, in airports and at the hospital. We need walls to save us at malls. We need walls to surround Pike County in Ohio and Harris County in Texas. 

And don’t forget! We could use some moats.