The Trumplican Party Platform

  

IF WE LEARNED NOTHING ELSE in April, we learned that the Trumplican Party plans to run in November on an outstanding platform, designed to make America Great Again! As in 1807, when slave trading was still legal. 

 
Beware the seahorses.

 

RAPE AS OPPORTUNITY 

As Trumplicans stumble over themselves in a rush to ban abortion, sharp-eyed State Rep. Jean Schmidt of Ohio spies a silver lining. With the Ohio General Assembly debating a bill to make all abortions illegal, Democrats (also known as “commies”) argue that there should at least be exceptions where victims are raped and impregnated, or when pregnancies result from incest. 

No dice, Rep. Schmidt says. Suppose you are 13, and you are raped by your creepy uncle, and find yourself carrying a baby?

Schmidt suggests that the lucky teen enjoy the pregnancy. “It is a shame that [rape] happens but there is an opportunity for that woman, no matter how young or old she is, to make a determination about what she’s going to do to help that life be a productive human being.”

 

“Just because you have emotional scars doesn’t give you the right to take the life,” Schmidt opined. 

 

So enjoy the scarring.

 

 

PROTECTAMERICANS FROM OTHER AMERICANS

 

You might imagine that the biggest threats to this country come from North Korea, with its nuclear missiles, or Vladimir Putin, who has a penchant for invading neighboring countries. Well, don’t you feel stupid!

 

Former-President Trump promises, if he runs, and we elect him again, he will protect us from the “biggest threat, the sick, sinister, evil people within our country.”

 

(This would seem to negate the need for the Great Wall of Trump along the border.)

 

 

PROTECTING AMERICANS FROM TRANSGENDERS, ETC.

 

Trumplicans don’t intend to mess around with “transgender” persons. Use the pronouns God gave us, people!

 

After Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary included a phrase regarding “gender identity” under definitions of “girl,” and “woman,” in its latest online edition, good patriot Jeremy David Hanson, 34, stood up for decency and threatened to shoot up and bomb the publisher’s offices.

 

In American there will be only two genders: 1. Male; and 2. females who realize rape pregnancies are great opportunities. The party promises not to let gay teachers say they’re gay – or have any teachers bother students with discussions of slavery, which, henceforth will be known as guaranteed “work opportunities” for black folk.

 

As for transgender individuals, they will no longer be allowed to serve in the military – even though hundreds already do. And they won’t be peeing in our bathrooms, either. They can go pee behind a bush.

 

Or in their foxhole. Until we ban them.

 

Trumplican patriots will soon be protesting outside the Mayo Clinic – because doctors claim some children are born with both sex organs.

 

See: Still only two genders (combined in one person).

 

 

PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM LIBRARIANS

 

The Trumplican Party promises to ban books about gay parents from public school libraries. Parents will be allowed, if a proposed law in Oklahoma passes, to challenge any book and have it removed within 30 days.

 

For example: a book about seahorses! Did you know male seahorses get pregnant? What kind of gender identity is that?

 

Also: a Michelle Obama biography.

 

If the librarian in Oklahoma fails to remove the book, as required under this proposal – perhaps the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, for example – the librarian can be fired, banned from ever working in a public school again, and parents can collect $10,000 per day from the school district.

 

 

LAW AND ORDER AND FIRING SQUADS

 

The Trumplican Party is clearly the party of  law and order! If we vote them into office, they will protect us from criminal librarians.

 

Also: health experts.

 

At a recent campaign event, John Bennett, running for a seat in Congress, suggested that Dr. Fauci should be placed in front of a firing squad. 

“We’re fighting communist Democrats, establishment RINOs!” Bennett explained. “We’re fighting against a system that stole the election in 2020,” and nobody has been held accountable. “We’re in a war with bureaucrats who have forced vaccine mandates on us, mask mandates on us,” he continued. 

“And you know what? They’re pushing this wokeness confusion down our throats now. And by the way, we should try Anthony Fauci and put him in front of a firing squad.”

 

Because, every thinking American knows it was Dr. Fauci’s fault that more than 990,000 Americans died from COVID, including tens of thousands who refused to be vaccinated – as Dr. Fauci recommended.

It worked for the Nazis, right?

 

 

TELEVISED EXECUTIONS!

 

Trumplicans don’t mess around with stupid amendments that protect the rights of the accused in court. Cue the Trumplican crowd at a typical rally chanting, “Lock him up!” Or: “Lock her up!”

 

Or: “Lock him and her up!” if the individual has been born with both sex organs.

 

If Nevada will send Noah Malgeri to Congress in November, he will work hard to see that Gen. Mark Milley, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, is tried by court-martial and executed on live television.

 

Among the general’s many crimes, he promised before the 2020 election that the military would play no role in determining the outcome.

 

 

ONLY THE FINEST CANDIDATES

 

As indicated above, the Trumplican Party will run only the very finest men and women for office. Former-President Trump has endorsed some fantastic Americans – and if we vote for all of them, they will help drain the swamp. Also, if they molest your wife or daughter, and your loved one gets pregnant…

 

Opportunity!

 

For instance, we have Trump-endorsed Charles Herbster, candidate for Nebraska governor, accused of sexually assaulting eight women.

 

Opportunity x 8!!!!!!!!

 

Also hoping to secure a seat in the U.S. Senate: Herschel Walker, former NFL star. His wife once filed a restraining order after he held a razor to her throat and threatened to kill her. Later, a girlfriend said Herschel sat in a car outside her house for hours after he promised to shoot her.

 

 

SAVING AMERICA FROM WALT DISNEY CHARACTERS

 

The “woke agenda” will be defeated, and no gay characters will be allowed in any Disney cartoons or movies. Also: Donald Duck will have to start wearing pants because that’s right there in the Bible. And am I the only person to notice that Minnie Mouse sends out a kind of slutty vibe?

Puts some pants on, Donald!

 

 

NO NEW TAXES ON RICH PEOPLE 

Multi-millionaires and billionaires, this is the party for you! As Mike Gibbons, Trumplican candidate for the open U.S. Senate in Ohio, explained recently, he would like to raise taxes, but not on you people. 

The middle class, he explained during a recent podcast, doesn’t pay “any kind of a fair share” of income taxes. 

Also in favor of raising taxes – on some of the poorest Americans: Sen. Rick Scott (T-Fla.) who heads the Trumplican Senate campaign arm. 

 

STAND STRONG FOR BIG PHARMA 

If you worry about the salaries of CEO’s who run pharmaceutical companies and profits of said companies, never fear. Trumplicans will protect us from communists in the Democratic Party. For example, those Democrats who want to cap the cost of insulin, which an estimated 1.6 million type-1 diabetics in this country must have to live. That cap would be $35 per month. 

Well, we all know capitalism must be safeguarded. If a few hundred thousand diabetics can’t afford the hundreds of dollars insulin costs monthly, and they die – replace them with rape babies! 

In a recent move, 193 Trumplicans in the U.S. House of Representatives voted against a bill to cap insulin prices; but “commie” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi managed to pass it regardless. 

 

USE SOLDIERS TO WIN ELECTIONS

 

As already noted, Trumplicans would like to execute Gen. Milley. Now we know that even if defeated at the polls, they will never give up, and if they have to gun down other Americans to stand up for the U.S. Constitution, they are the party with the vision to do so. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, for example, has a few ideas to turn defeat into victory in any election.

 

We know that on January 17, 2021, with Inauguration Day only three days away, and Joseph Biden set to take office, Greene and other Trumplicans already in Congress were thinking it would be fun to declare “Marshall law,” as she explained to then-White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows.

 

Rep. Greene says she has no recollection of sending such a text – nor does she know the difference between “martial law” and “Marshall law,” but she’s sure the 2020 election was stolen.

 

She and other like-minded Trumplicans would like to settle the last election – or the next, should they lose – by sending in troops to protect our freedom, using bayonets and bullets. Also, tanks. 

 

PROTECT AMERICA FROM SCIENCE. 

After Trumplicans finish filling Dr. Fauci with a dose of lead, they can use one of Dr. Deborah Birx’s famous scarves as blindfold and shoot her also. She has defamed the Orange God of Mar-a-Lago, and must pay the price accordingly. During a recent appearance on ABC, Dr. Birx said she was “paralyzed” that day, seemingly decades ago, when Mr. Trump turned to her during a press conference and suggested injecting disinfectants to combat the coronavirus. 

Dr. Birx must face a firing squad because she fails to grasp the brilliant insights of the man all Americans know is really our president! When she first visited Trump in the White House she interrupted him for thirty precious seconds, which he should have been devoting to tweeting. 

“Mr. President, I don’t know who are you speaking with,” she claims to have told him, “but I have evidence to fully support the conclusion that this outbreak is going to be nothing like the seasonal flu or even pandemic flu. This virus is very deadly.”

 

Click. On came the TV, and the president turned to Fox News, in order to bone up on the policies he should start implementing, as soon as Sean Hannity explained them.

 

 

NO GUN CONTROLS

 

No matter how high the murder rate is in this country, Trumplicans will never fall for stories about shootings in every nook and cranny of America – which, by the way, God always intended to set aside for white people. (See, for example, Rep. Matt Gaetz and the “Great Replacement Theory.”)

 

Trumplicans know that all stories of mayhem in America are “false flags” designed to give government a chance to confiscate the 400 million guns already owned by patriotic Americans. These guns they use them to protect themselves from other armed Americans, such as people experiencing road rage, neighbors mad about how you are snow shoveling, and young children playing with loaded weapons found in cars and used to shoot parents at gas stations.

 

 

FREEDOM FLUSHERS! 

You might think our country has a problem, since almost the entire western half of the United States is suffering from the worst drought in more than 1,200 years – and now states like Texas and Arizona are heading into the hottest, driest months of the year – and they’re already blazing. 

Never fear, Donald J. Trump, and Sen. Rand Paul, and other Freedom Flushers will protect our toilets. If Trumplicans can recapture Congress, they will address the drought by overturning meddlesome government regulations that require reduced-water-use flush toilets. 

 

NO CLIMATE CHANGE HOAXES 

Climate scientists around the world have been piling up evidence to show that action to address a warming planet must be taken. Trumplicans know all of them are lying, especially scientists who work at NASA. Trumplicans will protect us from evidence, and also protect our toilets, and keep transgender persons from using them, no matter how many times we have to flush them. 

(Trump claims he has to flush 10-15 times, which makes one wonder what he eats for breakfast.)

 

You say wildfires are burning across a bone-dry, hotter-than-normal West? And it’s still spring? You say fires in Texas have charred more than 500 square miles? Oklahoma, 35 fires burning, Arizona, 46, New Mexico, 48, California, 161? You claim that glaciers 2.5 million years old, in the mountains on the Olympic Peninsula, might melt by 2070? 

Pure coincidence – and all we need to do is ban books that teach children about Smoky the Bear, who is probably a Satanic, liberal pedophile. 

If we elect enough real patriots, the Trumplican Party will add QAnon theory to the science curriculum. 

And f**k those sea horses.