May 9, 2019: President Trump Discovers that Kim Jong-Un Has Been Two-Timing Him

 

5/9/19: North Korea launches a pair of short-range ballistic missiles, it’s second launch in a week.

 

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A massive new base for long-range missiles at a site 100 miles north of the DMZ.

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A distraught President Trump spends the morning flipping through his stack of “beautiful letters” from Chairman Kim Jong-un and wondering how he got dumped by his chunky, bad boy, foreign boyfriend. 

“I thought we had something real…we fell in love,” aides hear him mutter. “We were so close…to de-nuking North Korea, which I claimed like a fool we had done in June 2018. I was such a dope!” 

“Well, Mr. President,” White House Chief of Staff Mulvaney interjects, “U.S. intelligence officials will be here soon to brief you.” 

Realizing a harsh truth, that Kim has been two-timing him, like he two-timed his first wife and – well – his second – and third – Trump starts blubbering like a child. It doesn’t help when intelligence officials arrive to interrupt his crying jag. They explain that not only is Kim not giving up any nuclear weapons, the North is building a massive new base for long-range missiles at a site 100 miles north of the DMZ. 

The weepy chief executive perks up a moment and asks a C.I.A. briefer, “DMZ? What are they doing in North Korea? I love Run-DMZ. Back in 1984 they were my favorite hip hop band.” 

“Uh…Mr. President, DMZ stands for Demilitarized Zone,” a second briefer explains gently. “We have evidence that the North Koreans are hollowing out an entire mountain. We can see new roads in the area, facilities for moving, storing, and launching long-range, mobile-fired missiles. Satellite images reveal basketball courts and even soldiers on a soccer field, sir.”

 

Old “Fire and Fury” wipes his eyes, and asks when Run-DMZ will be playing its first concert in Pingpong. Intelligence agents assume he means Pyongyang. They explain again, this time like they’re talking to a tangerine-tinted toddler, that Run-DMC is not performing for Kim Jong-un anytime soon. 

“Based on the information we have now,” says a glum intelligence analyst, “the new base is fully active.” 

Trump stumbles from the Oval Office in tears, his orange tanner running like Melania’s mascara when she found out about Stormy Daniels. 

And Karen McDougal. 

And the housekeeper and the baby. 

(All joking aside, the North Koreans are actually hollowing out an entire mountain and strengthening their nuclear strike capability.)

North Korea still hasn't given up a single nuclear weapon to Trump.