September 21-23, 2017: Puerto Rico Pummeled by Hurricane Maria, Trump Feelings Pummeled

 

9/21/17: Three million U.S. citizens in Puerto Rico wake up to a world turned inside out, upside down, and stomped flat. 

Tens of millions of other Americans (including President Trump) apparently wake up to the fact Puerto Ricans are U.S. citizens. Also: Puerto Rico is in the middle of a “big ocean, very big.” 

Hurricane Maria, a Category 5 storm, has caused “apocalyptic damage” across the island. But Trump is too busy tweeting to focus on Puerto Rico. He does have time over the next six days to fire off fourteen tweets complaining about NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem.

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9/22/17: Republicans are closing in on the Holy Grail. They have a new, new healthcare plan. This one is sponsored by Senators Lindsey Graham and Bill Cassidy. It is going to…huh? What? 

Senator John McCain joins Senator Rand Paul and says he won’t vote for the plan. 

Well, that leaves them with fifty votes in the Senate. Vice President Jesus can still break the tie. 

The president starts cooling the champagne. (See: 9/25/17.)

 

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Trump calls protesting NFL players “sons of bitches.” 

MEANWHILE, Trump holds a campaign-style rally (because that’s about the only thing he does well). He calls NFL players who protest during the National Anthem “sons of bitches.” He says players who protest should be “fired.” 

Various athletes respond. Michael Bennett, who sat in protest at the start of a game, responds: “My mom is a beautiful lady she has never been a bitch.” Bishop Sankey tweets, “It’s a shame and disgrace when you have the President of the US calling citizens of the country sons of bitches.” Steph Curry, star of the championship NBA Warriors, tells reporters he’ll vote against the team visiting the White House to celebrate their 2017 title. (See: 9/23/17.)

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9/23/17: Trump is up early but he’s fuming. Forget Puerto Rico! He has more important matters to attend to, such as salving a bruised ego. “Going to the White House is considered a great honor for a championship team,” he tweets at 7:45 a.m. “Stephen Curry is hesitating, therefore invitation is withdrawn!” (See: 9/22/17.)

NBA Finals MVP Steph Curry, with daughter.

 

LeBron James enters the fray, tweeting this response: “U bum @StephenCurry30  already said he ain’t going! So therefore ain’t no invite. Going to White House was a great honor until you showed up!” 

I’m sure we can all agree. This is a great country where we all enjoy the right to protest and free speech. 

Or not… (See: 9/24/17.)

February 6, 2018: Hey, Want to Make 2.3 Million Sandwiches - by Yourself?

 

2/6/18: The free press reveals the story of Tiffany Brown, hired by FEMA to send 30 million meals to Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria. At $5.10 per, the contract was worth $153 million. It turns out Brown is the sole owner and employee of Tribute Contracting LLC. 

What could go wrong? Brown can start making sandwiches in her kitchen or hire a wedding caterer. She hires the caterer. 

You can already guess this is not going to end well. The caterer has eleven employees. So, unless each employee, the caterer and Ms. Brown pitch in and make 2.3 million sandwiches apiece they’re going to have trouble meeting the FEMA goal. 

In fact, by the time FEMA orders Brown to stop work – because the contract is canceled and people in Puerto Rico are probably dead from starvation – Tribute has managed to ship 50,000 meals. 

The caterer reports having another 75,000 stored in a warehouse. Brown has been unable to find proper shipping. In terms of screw-ups, this is a classic, with Brown also failing to include the heating portion of what FEMA has contracted for her to provide: “self-heating meals.” 

Is this sandwich still good?

You may recall when Trump gave himself the highest possible grades on his efforts to deliver hurricane relief. Trump said he got a 10 out of 10. He was doing A+ work. General Kelly gave the president two gold stars to stick on his Presidential Briefing Book. Which he never reads. 

Sadly, this fiasco was not the only blemish on the Trump report card. Consider the less-than-stellar work performed by Bronze Star L.L.C. The company, formed only in August, contracted to send 500,000 plastic tarps and 60,000 rolls of plastic sheeting to Puerto Rico and do it for $30 million. When FEMA finally realized that Bronze Star wasn’t getting the job done the company had shipped a grand total of 0 tarps and 0 rolls of plastic sheeting. (See: 2/5/18.)