May 22-24, 2019: The "I" Word Upsets the Infant-in-Chief

5/22/19: Let’s talk deals. Let’s talk Democrats and President Trump working out a $2 trillion deal on infrastructure. 

Never mind. Let’s talk temper tantrums!

A meeting at the White House this morning collapsed like an interstate highway bridge in need of repair, when Donald R. Trump (the “R” is honorary, for his collaboration with Russians) stalked into a meeting with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer and never made it to his highchair.

The Toddler-in-Chief was steaming because Democrats were accusing him of obstruction of justice—and kept keep coming up with evidence to support their accusations. Trump angrily informed Pelosi that her comments—that he’s engaged in a cover up—were “terrible” and stomped out of the room before anyone else could utter a word.

Moments later, he appeared in front of reporters at a lectern in the Rose Garden. Some thoughtful aide had stuck up a sign in front, reading, “No Collusion, No Obstruction.”

Trump let rip:

Instead of walking in happily into a meeting, I walk in to look at people that have just said that I was doing a cover-up. I don’t do cover-ups.

I walked into the room and I told Senator Schumer, Speaker Pelosi: “I want to do infrastructure. I want to do it more than you want to do it. I’d be really good at that, that’s what I do. But you know what? You can’t do it under these circumstances. So get these phony investigations over with.”

“You can’t legislate and investigate at the same time,” he complained. This was like saying you couldn’t drive a car or mail a letter if you were going through a divorce. At any rate, we’re never going to know if Trump might be “really good” at doing infrastructure, because he proved once again he’s a septuagenarian baby.

“This meeting was set up a number of days ago,” Trump continued. “All of a sudden I hear last night they’re going to have a meeting right before this meeting to talk about the ‘I word.’ The ‘I word.’ Can you imagine?”

Can you imagine?  I am imagining: “Incontinent?”

Other possibilities, swirl in my imagination: “idiot,” “imbecile,” “infantile,” “immoral,”  “irrational,” “incompetent,” “inept,” “insipid,” “impede” (as in “impede an investigation”) and “indict.”

“Impeach?”

Well, yes, now that you ask. Mr. President, I can imagine. Like many Americans, who have been reading the Mueller Report, and who have seen the letter signed by 916 former federal prosecutors, impeach comes quickly to mind. (See, for example: 5/1/19; 5/7/19; 5/8/19 and 5/17/19.)

Speaker Pelosi sums up the meeting later. “He just took a pass,” she tells reporters, “and it just makes me wonder why he did that. In any event, I pray for the president and I pray for the United States of America.”

5/23/19: Trump goes off script during a meeting with American farmers  and lays into Speaker Pelosi, labeling her “crazy Nancy,” and calling her a “mess.” “They say she’s disintegrating before their eyes,” the president claims, without explaining who “they” are, which means he’s making shit up.

Trump insists he’s an “extremely stable genius,” even though he walked out of a meeting with top Democratic lawmakers the day before. To prove it, he calls on his usual sycophants to vouch for his stability and genius. 

Kellyanne Conway goes first. By now we all know if Trump was prancing around the White House nude, she’d insist he was wearing a stylish tuxedo and looked great. Yes, she tells reporters, her boss was “very calm.”

Trump calls up Mercedes Schlapp, Larry Kudlow and Press Secretary Pinocchio, who all agree. The president was “very calm.”

It’s like a cult in the Oval Office.

5/24/19: The president changes his mind again. Stopping on the South Lawn for a chat with the press, the “extremely stable genius” says he could work with Democrats on an infrastructure deal, after all. “I can work with the speaker, sure. I can work with the speaker,” he insists, when asked about Nancy Pelosi.

He insisted on Wednesday he couldn’t—and said on Thursday, that Pelosi was crazy and that was why he trudged out of the meeting on infrastructure. 

But he exited calmly. Calmly, for sure.

*

IN OTHER RIGHT-WING NEWS, it’s now official. America is a theocracy. Florida lawmaker Mike Hill insists he has been talking directly to God, and God convinced him to introduce a bill which would have banned abortions in the state as soon as a heartbeat is detected.

God was pretty clear: Hill had included exceptions for rape, incest, medical emergency and human trafficking.

Speaking to a group called Women for Responsible Legislation, he explained, God “said, ‘you remove those exceptions and you file it again.’ And I said ‘yes Lord, I will’. It’s coming back. It’s coming back. We are going to file that bill without any exceptions, just like what we saw passed in Alabama.”

In other words, like Alabama lawmakers, God thinks if you are raped, too bad, you should have the baby if you get pregnant.

It’s all right there, nowhere, in the Bible, to be exact.

*

Postscript: It has been said that God works in mysterious ways but according to Press Secretary Pinocchio, God wanted Trump to be president. 

(So did Putin, but that’s a different matter.)

Pastor Paula White, Trump’s spiritual adviser, agrees. God wanted Trump. (You thought it had something to do with the Electoral College!) In fact, Pastor White thinks opposition to Trump is opposition to God. 

If you would also give her 1/12 of your earnings every year as first fruits, she will make sure to thrown in a Paula White calendar as part of the deal.