Would or Would Not: President Trump Tries to Get Out of the Russian Woods

In today’s episode we explain how Trump’s failing lips and no good tongue got him in trouble at Helsinki.

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 7/17/18: Trump leaps from the frying pan of disgrace into the fire of farce. Battered by criticism of his performance in Helsinki—even by the usual sycophants at Fox News—Trump puts out a new story.

And that story, despite what you saw with your own two peepers and heard with your own two eardrums, is that he is the toughest president ever to take on the Russians. He makes Ronald Reagan look like a Girl Scout.

With a script prepared by top aides in his mitts, the president reads to reporters, adding a few random thoughts as he proceeds. In the face of near-universal condemnation, he is backtracking for once:

So I’ll begin by stating that I have full faith and support for America’s great intelligence agencies, always have. And I have felt very strongly that while Russia’s actions had no impact at all on the outcome of the election, let me be totally clear in saying that—and I’ve said this many times—I accept our intelligence community’s conclusion that Russia’s meddling in the 2016 election took place. It could be other people also. There’s a lot of people out there.

Reporters can’t believe it! Who knew there were “a lot of people out there?” You know: like seven billion.

Well, what the president really wants is to clarify one point—which would make everything else he said seem so much better. When he said, “I don’t see why they would,” in response to a reporter’s question about whether or not the Russians interfered in the election, it was just a slip of the tongue.

“I don’t know why they wouldn’t,” he says he meant to say.

In other words, if you took that one word out and plugged in the “correct” word, he really gave Putin hell.

So, I say, let’s look at the transcript. Let’s read exactly what Trump said. And to help your thought processes, if you’re an avid Trump fan, I will annotate the transcript with comments of my own.

First, we should remember that Trump had multiple chances to address the question of Russian interference. First, he blamed America for problems with Russia in a tweet. He had more than one chance to stand up for fair elections, for the rule of law and for democracy. He didn’t. He stood at the podium, representative of the United States of America, and groveled ignominiously.

The first exchange with a reporter, after his private meeting with Putin was ended, led to this:

REPORTER, JEFF MASON, REUTERS: Thank you. Mr. President, you tweeted this morning that it’s U.S. foolishness, stupidity, and the Mueller probe that is responsible for the decline in U.S. relations with Russia. Do you hold Russia at all accountable [f]or anything in particular? And if so, what would you what would you consider them that they are responsible for?

(Okay. Here’s your chance, Mr. President. Tell Putin to stay out of our elections. You’ve got this! Easy peasy.)

TRUMP: Yes I do. I hold both countries responsible. I think that the United States has been foolish.

(WTF!)

I think we’ve all been foolish. We should have had this dialogue a long time ago, a long time frankly before I got to office. And I think we’re all to blame.

(Not me, personally, he’s saying. It was all those stupid presidents who came before. Trump could offer a better response if he simply stood there and drooled.)

I think that the United States now has stepped forward, along with Russia, and we’re getting together and we have a chance to do some great things, whether it’s nuclear proliferation in terms of stopping, have to do it, ultimately that’s probably the most important thing that we can be working on.

(Mention the elections. You fool! We can work on nuclear, too; but, the elections…say something to Putin.)

But I do feel that we have both made some mistakes. I think that the probe is a disaster for our country. I think it’s kept us apart, it’s kept us separated.

There was no collusion at all. Everybody knows it. People are being brought out to the fore. So far that I know virtually none of it related to the campaign. And they’re gonna have to try really hard to find somebody that did relate to the campaign. That was a clean campaign. I beat Hillary Clinton easily and frankly we beat her.

(We know this. The election was two years ago. The reporter isn’t asking about Hillary. We know you won. That’s why Hillary isn’t standing at the podium. Do you hold Russia accountable for anything? Do you or don’t you? You are blowing it!)

And I’m not even saying from the standpoint...we won that race. And it’s a shame that there can even be a little bit of a cloud over it. People know that. People understand it. But the main thing and we discussed this also is zero collusion and it has had a negative impact upon the relationship of the two largest nuclear powers in the world.

We have 90 percent of nuclear power between the two countries. It’s ridiculous. It’s ridiculous what’s going on with the probe.

(Did Trump just say we’re nuclear rivals, with enough bombs to blow up the world many times over, and it’s because of the probe? Does this poor sot of a president remember the way the Russians crushed the Hungarian Revolution in 1956, built the Berlin Wall in 1961, stamped out a Czech revolt in 1968, invaded Afghanistan in 1979, and so much more, even continuing to this day?)

Clearly, Trump muffed his first chance. A few minutes later, he had a second opportunity to clean up the mess.

REPORTER, AP: President Trump, you first. Just now, President Putin denied having anything to do with the election interference in 2016. Every U.S. intelligence agency has concluded that Russia did. My first question for you sir is, who do you believe? My second question is would you now, with the whole world watching, tell President Putin, would you denounce what happened in 2016 and would you warn him to never do it again?

(Would you? Did that reporter really mean “wouldn’t?” That would mean his entire question was nonsense. Did he say Putin? Maybe he meant “putting.” Election? Did he actually mean to say “erection?” Maybe he meant to ask about eels. You can see where one word makes a big, big difference. God, this is nuts!)

TRUMP: So let me just say that we have two thoughts. You have groups that are wondering why the FBI never took the server. Why haven’t they taken the server? Why was the FBI told to leave the office of the Democratic National Committee?

(You are screwing the pooch. He asked if you would denounce Putin. Not the Democratic National Committee!)

I’ve been wondering that. I’ve been asking that for months and months and I’ve been tweeting it out and calling it out on social media. Where is the server? I want to know where is the server and what is the server saying?

With that being said, all I can do is ask the question.

My people came to me, Dan Coates [sic], came to me and some others they said they think it’s Russia. I have President Putin. He just said it’s not Russia.

(Someone stop this fool! Can we get Coats out to the stage right now! Can he grab Trump by the lapels and drag him away? Our intelligence agencies don’t “think” it was Russia. They know it was Russia. Trump isn’t even talking about Russian interference. He’s babbling about some server. He might as well be farting an answer.)

I will say this: I don't see any reason why it would be. But I really do want to see the server but I have, I have confidence in both parties.

(Okay, there’s the slip of the tongue. Wait? Did he mean to say “constipation,” not confidence? Who knows what the president meant. I don’t think Trump knows what Trump meant. I’ve not even sure he’s speaking English.)

I really believe that this will probably go on for a while but I don’t think it can go on without finding out what happened to the server. What happened to the servers of the Pakistani gentleman that worked on the DNC?

Where are those servers? They’re missing. Where are they? What happened to Hillary Clinton’s emails? 33,000 emails gone, just gone. I think in Russia they wouldn’t be gone so easily.

(Does Trump realize Russia is a police state? Does he realize the K.G.B. gets any information it wants by tapping reporters’ phones, arrests musicians who criticize Putin, blocks most candidates from running in fair elections and secretly records people in compromising situations? Of course he doesn’t. We have a moron for president.)

I think it's a disgrace that we can’t get Hillary Clinton’s thirty three thousand e-mails.

I have great confidence in my intelligence people but I will tell you that President Putin was extremely strong and powerful in his denial today and what he did is an incredible offer.

He offered to have the people working on the case come and work with their investigators, with respect to the 12 people. I think that’s an incredible offer. Ok? Thank you.

And there you have it, supposedly fixed by changing a single word. First, the President of the United States disgraced himself on the world stage.

Second, he and his aides concocted a ridiculous story to help him find his way out of the woods.

Or should that be the “woulds.”

Trump gets lost in the woulds.