Gaga for Gaza: Picking a 51st State.
News has been coming fast and furious since Donald Dumpling returned to the White House (or, Mar-a-Lago, depending on his mood on any given day). So, he’s back. He’s bad. And he has bold, brassy plans for adding a 51st state to our most “perfect Union.”
The only problem?
He can’t focus long enough to settle on any one piece of real estate over another. First it was Canada that danced seductively before his eyes, like a Miss Universe contestant he wanted to grab by the pussy.
Then he fell hard for Greenland, like when he forgot he was married to Melania and had sex with Stormy Daniels.
Now he has goo-goo eyes for a new dream girl, the Gaza Strip.
So let me get ahead of Republican lawmakers in Congress, who have turned fawning over the president into a pathetic new art. If Mr. Trump decides to send U.S. troops to Gaza – which he said he would “if necessary,” we should name the new state “Donaldlandia” and rename its capital “Donald City.” And the new state shall be provided a fitting motto: “Where Did All the Palestinians Go?”
(Or, in Latin: “Heus, Ubi omnes Palaestinae abierunt?”)
As with the Dumpling’s half-baked plans for making Canada the 51st state, or Greenland, or now Gaza, there are glaring problems that stand in his path. Trump is too obtuse to notice. So, we will try to help.
1. To make Gaza a state, we will have to dispossess 2.2 million Palestinians already resident there. Trump first insisted that Gazans would have to “learn from history,” and if his initial plan were to be carried forward, he would be right. He suggested they all leave and never come back.
(Call it “The Trail of Tears,” only this time not for the Cherokees.)
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Kicking the Native-Americans off their land worked "great." |
2. “Everybody I have spoken to loves the idea of the United States owning that piece of land, developing and creating thousands of jobs,” Donald told reporters. Of course, that wasn’t true. The Saudis decided the idea was so ridiculous that they filed a response condemning the “plan” at 4 a.m. the next morning.
3. The United Arab Emirates, Jordan, and Egypt also blasted the president’s half-baked proposal.
4. Germany warned that Trump’s plan would foster “new suffering and new hate.” British, French and Spanish diplomats called the scheme unworkable. If they weren’t diplomats, they would have said, “Trump is an imbecile.”
That would be “imbécil” in Spanish, “imbécile” in French, “schwachsinnig” in German.
5. One Jordanian
lawmaker suggested that Mr. Trump must have camel poop for brains.
(Okay, that’s a joke. But it fits.)
6. The road to statehood for Gaza would be bumpy, with daunting housekeeping matters to address. The Dumpling said the U.S. would “take responsibility” for disposal of fifty million tonnes of ruble produced by sixteen months of bombing. A tonne is equal to 2204.6 pounds – so more like 60 million tons in our system.
7. Trump said we would “level it out,” and turn the Gaza Strip into the “Riviera of the Middle East.”
8. I think we can all agree that nothing conjures up an image of helping people displaced by brutal war, quite like creating a new playground for the world’s superrich, jet-setting types! Like Mar-a-Lago only bigger!
Only
ladies with big Botox lips and impressive breast implants would be allowed to visit.
9. Gaza would be a tiny state –139 square miles – but big enough for at least one Trump hotel! Maybe two!
Jared
Kushner has already said that Gaza’s “waterfront property could be very
valuable,” which the Palestinians would love – save for the fact that Trump is telling
them they should leave and not let the revolving hotel door hit them in the ass
on the way out.
10. Trump did admit that we would have to dig up a lot of unexploded ordinance. But he said he would be happy to do it.
11. He failed to mention the thousands of bodies buried under all that wreckage and didn’t offer any thoughts on proper burials.
12. Donald is no fan of laws protecting the environment, but you can’t just dump all that crushed building material and those mashed bodies in the Mediterranean. The current estimated cost of ruble removal is $1.2 billion. Re-building is expected to take twenty-one years.
(Apparently, Donald hopes to still be president at that time.)
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"To infinity, and beyond!" |
13. Once Donaldlandia becomes a state, we will need a giant border wall to keep illegal immigrants out.
Such as Palestinians
who might wish to return.
14. Expect President Trump to claim that Egypt will pay for the wall.
15. Donald has also suggested that we can find four or five pieces of land somewhere for the displaced Palestinians to live.
16. Learning from history, as he said we must, we could call those places “reservations,” and have Native Americans explain how well that worked in their case.
17. What if Gaza were out? That would make Greenland the top candidate for our newest state. During his first term, Donald asked aides what they thought about trading Puerto Rico straight up for Greenland. In fact, more than once he forgot that Puerto Ricans were already U.S. citizens.
(Admit it. So did you.)
18. In terms of why Denmark claims Greenland in the first place, The Dumpling is stumped. Let’s explain slowly, in hopes of reaching the dimwitted. Once upon a time there were Vikings, who did not wear helmets with horns, even though old movies consistently depict them styling the horns.
19. The Vikings were sometimes called “Danes.” Today, the people of Denmark are called the “Danish people.”
20. The “Danish people” do not love pastries any more than most Americans, who do love donuts.
A lot.
21. Let’s be frank. All the donut-eating is showing. In 2002, the average adult male in this country was 25 pounds heavier, compared to 1960 (191 pounds vs. 166).
22. We haven’t exactly slowed down with pastries since. As of 2024, 39% of American men were obese.
23. The ladies aren’t doing any better.
24. I
had four donuts this morning, while typing this list. I believe I showed
admirable restraint, because there were three remaining in the box.
25. I think we can all agree, that in a contest with real Vikings, wielding battle axes, a modern American would get his or her skull split like a gourd, except that we do have a lot of AR-15s.
Unfortunately,
we use our AR-15s mostly for shooting up schools.
26. The only way Donald himself could ever hope to get into combat with Vikings would be if he drove a golf cart, equipped with cannon.
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Trump: In reality. |
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Trump: As his fans imagine him. |
27. Sorry. We were talking about Greenland and got distracted. How did the Danes first put in a claim on this icy chunk of real estate? The first Vikings landed in Iceland, c. 875 A.D. In 985, Eric the Red sailed west from there and discovered Greenland. We also know the Vikings were into “fake news.” They named the barren land, “Greenland,” hoping to attract more settlers.
And the
nicer land they called “Iceland,” to keep all the illegal immigrants from
wanting to come.
28. This fakery would be akin to Trump selling fugly gold sneakers, the difference being, he found plenty of suckers.
29. Not many Vikings were fooled, even in an era when there was still no Siri to ask for answers. In fact, disgruntled settlers in Greenland were the first to come up with the phrase, “It’s colder than a witch’s tit.”
30. Or as Danes would put it: “Det er koldere end en heksemejse.”
31. Did you know that Greenland is squashed down under ice that averages 1.4 miles thick? Well, it is.
32. The first Danish king to convert to Christianity was Harold Bluetooth in 985 A.D. Once he and his people adopted Christianity, they picked up the fad of witch-burning, which was surprisingly popular.
33. We should probably remind everyone that the first English settlers to come to America also took the biblical admonition, “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live,” seriously.
34. This is additional proof that we should erase all walls separating church and state and admit we would be better off if Christian Nationalism triumphs, and we can have fifty-one different state governments led by church leaders and require taxpayers to hand over cash to support private religious schools.
35. The blogger is sure Chirstian Nationalists don’t advocate handing taxpayer money to schools run by Mormons or Muslims. Or schools related to Druidism. Or Hindu schools, now that you mention it. Christian Nationalists are super picky about whose religious ideas should prevail.
36. We should also point out that “Eric the Red” was not a communist, despite that “red” business – mainly because Karl Marx hadn’t been born yet.
37. If you’ve never noticed, the MAGA faithful are quick to shout at anyone they don’t like, such as the 81 million people who voted for Joe Biden in 2020, which is 7 million more than voted for Donald, and call them “Marxists” or “commies.”
38. If a fellow American displeases the MAGA faithful by pointing out that Biden did win in 2020, or that Puerto Ricans are indeed U.S. citizens, and that the Dumpling is too dense to notice, the MAGA folks are quick to howl, “You dirty commie. Go back to the country you came from.”
(This blogger was proudly born in Akron, Ohio.)
39. During his first crack at leading our great nation, Donald himself told a quartet of U.S. congresswomen to go back to the countries from whence they had come, after they suggested that he was something of a nitwit.
40. One of those congresswomen was Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, born in Puerto Rico, which is definitely part of this country.
(We mentioned that above.)
41. Donald missed again with Rep. Rashida Tlaib, who was born in Michigan.
42. He whiffed a third time, adding credence to the “nitwit theory,” getting Rep. Ayanna S. Pressley wrong. She was born in Cincinnati, which, when I looked out my window here in southern Ohio, was in fact part of the United States.
43. Pressley’s ancestors came to America on a
slave ship. Now that Trump has signed an executive order, making it a crime to
say anything negative about our nation’s past, we will have to refer to slave
ships as “cruise ships with surprising affordable passenger accommodations.”
44. In any case, sometime around 1000 A.D. Leif Ericson sailed from Iceland to Norway, to visit the family. On his way home, he overshot the mark and ran into Newfoundland – which is today part of Canada. The Vikings didn’t stick around because the “Skraelings,” or “Screaming People,” showered them with flint-tipped arrows. These indigenous peoples would later be re-labeled as “Indians,” including varieties such as, “Iroquois,” “Algonquin,” and “Cleveland.”
45. The years passed, and still the Detroit Lions did not make the Super Bowl. Finally, in 1721, the king of Denmark decided to check up on the settlers in Greenland, after no one had heard from them for three hundred years. He sent an expedition to the island to see how the settlers were doing – which was terrible. Only the Inuit remained. Not to be denied, the king put in a fresh claim on the land.
46. Let’s be blunt. Mr. Trump has no more grasp on U.S. history than a panda. But even he probably realizes that “1721” is before the United States was born. That means the Danish claim to Greenland is solid.
47. During one of his fantastic speeches, Donald once piled up praise for General George Washington and the Continental Army. He commended George and the boys for capturing the airports at Yorktown in 1781.
(For real!)
48. That would have been long before Orville and Wilbur, two proud Ohio boys, invented flying. So, we can report with confidence that no one in the Continental Army ever had to worry about carry-on luggage.
49. This past January, Donald Trump Jr. traveled to Greenland. He didn’t stay long, but when he came home, he assured reporters that Greenlanders loved him, and loved his Dumpling Dad even more, and could hardly wait to slap MAGA caps on their heads, and maybe on polar bears too.
50. “F**k the polar bears,” Trump fans will shout. They know the president would never lie, and he has told them that climate change is “a hoax,” and if you believe it is real (such as scientists at NASA) you are a “commie” and a “pedophile.” You are the type of scumbag who doesn’t pay library fines.
51. Better check that NASA link quickly. Now it includes a disclaimer that the science will soon be moving to a new home.
Likely,
a dumpster.
52. For now, NASA scientists are free to report that in recent years the Greenland ice sheet has lost 5,390 billion tons of ice.
53. That is a very bad sign, climate-wise.
54. President Trump likes to tell his followers not to worry – that the oceans are rising at a rate of one teaspoon per million years. (I’m joking. What he really said during his recent campaign for a second term was that the waters would rise only “one-eighth of an inch in the next 400 years.”)
55. NASA scientists have actually warned that oceans are rising 0.13 inches per year, or 1.3 inches per decade, or 13 inches per century. In 400 years, the oceans would have risen 52 inches.
56. That’s
more than four feet, if you live near a beach.
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Greenland melting. |
57. Meanwhile, if you watched the Inauguration, you know that the lovely First Lady will be doing her best for the next four hundred years to avoid kissing her philandering husband, or sleeping with him.
She will continue to wear large defensive hats.
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Keeping those lips at a safe distance. |
58. Despite what Don Jr. said, the leaders of all five political parties in Greenland put a damper on his dream, and Don Sr.’s dream, and announced that they had no desire to be part of the United States.
59. Wait. Are you saying that Greenland has five political parties???
60. Yes. This is an educational post.
61. To gin up support for his planned land grab, President Trump has been telling everyone that the United States must have Greenland for national security purposes, apparently forgetting that Denmark is a NATO ally. So are Canada, Norway, and Finland, all closer to Greenland than the USA.
62. If Russia or Vikings (come back from the dead) tried to attack Greenland, NATO rules would apply. All members would be expected to pitch in and fight.
63. No Trumps would fight. No Trump has ever fought for this country. Like: Zero.
64. Well, maybe Barron?
65. President Trump hates NATO and often talks shit about pulling out. Vladimir Putin also hates NATO, which should tell us something we should know.
66. Since our main topic is “new states,” although the blogger seems to forget, how about Puerto Rico as a dark horse candidate to be #51? The Puerto Ricans are already U.S. citizens, and they have an actual interest in statehood; but Donald Sr. doesn’t want a state chock full of dark-skinned, potential voters.
67. The president has already said that if we need more immigrants, he would like to see more Norwegians come here; and you can guess why. No one (so far) has ever suggested making Norway the 51st state.
Fun fact: The Norwegians also have Viking ancestors.
68. Puerto Rico has 3,800,000 inhabitants – more than enough to become a state, with two U.S. senators, and maybe an NFL expansion team.
69. That would be more people than Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota and South Dakota combined.
70. An estimated 48,000 Puerto Ricans served in the U.S. military during the Vietnam War, when Donald himself avoided serving because his feet hurt. So, their patriotism is real and does not end with the tongue.
71. Speaking of potential 51st or even 52nd states, according to Republicans, Washington D.C., with 690,000 people, is also out. Again: Too many dark-skinned people, who would vote Democratic.
72. Wyoming – with 600,000 people – that’s a real state!
(The blogger has bicycled across Wyoming. He does love that state.)
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Wyoming scene: Near Jeffrey City. |
73. Sadly, if you know your history, Greenland doesn’t yet have enough people to qualify for statehood, partly because polar bears do get hungry. The old rule: First, a chunk of real estate under U.S. control must audition by becoming a “territory.” Then you must have a minimum of 60,000 people to become a state.
Greenland
is 3,301 people short.
74. Also, you need to have a state tree, a state flower, a state insect (optional) and a state motto.
75. Indiana’s state insect is the firefly, which I really wanted to mention.
76. No state has yet made the vulture the state bird, which shows a clear lack of creativity and imagination.
77. Don Jr. has been at loose ends lately, after jettisoning his fiancée, Kimberly “I Got a Massive Dose of Botox” Guilfoyle. Dad conveniently shipped the Botox Babe off to Greece, to serve as our next U.S. ambassador.
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Don Jr. has dumped Kimberly. Even Botox couldn't save her. |
78. If Greenland wins the contest to be our next state, I think the state motto should be, “Colder than a witch’s tit.”
Just
saying.
79. We were discussing Newfoundland earlier, which is part of Canada, and which is where the Vikings first landed in America. Personally, President Trump favors Canada as the 51st state.
80. The MAGA faithful love his out-of-the-box ideas (also known as “hogwash,” “claptrap” and “moonshine”) – even though no one who likes Donald understands the rules of hockey, Canadians’ favorite game.
81. Rules such as “icing the puck.”
82. I don’t think the MAGA faithful realize that if Canada were to become one state, it would be fourteen times the size of Texas. This would be very hard for Texans to accept, like being from Rhode Island, only worse.
83. The very idea that our neighbors to the north would go for a plan to become one state and enjoy two measly senators – like North Dakota – when there are 41 million Canadians – is the essence of nonsense, and only a moron would suggest it.
84. Like this guy.
85. In fact, our northern neighbor is divided into thirteen provinces and territories. At least eight should, if we are using the U.S. model, become states. Ontario would be fifth in population, if made a state, beating out Pennsylvania. Quebec would match Virginia, and British Columbia would equal Alabama.
86. Saskatchewan would have to change its name to “Even Farther North Dakota,” and would also demand two senators.
87. Canada has universal healthcare. Canadians will not want to wait around to sign up for Trumpcare – which does not exist.
88. An overwhelming majority of Canadians (81%) believe climate change is real, and think Donald Dumpling is a nincompoop because he can’t tell the difference between climate and weather.
89. Only 21% of Canadians would have picked the Dumpling over Kamala Harris, vs. 60% for the Democrat. If Canadians had been able to vote, Trump would have lost in 2024, again.
90. Canadians believe in gun control. As recently as 2021, the U.S. had a murder rate three times higher.
91. They should probably seal their border against us, not ask to become a state.
92. If you point out to Trump fans that Americans have more guns (an estimated 378 million) than there are actual Americans (336 million), you will be accused of wanting to take all the guns away and make real men wear pantyhose.
(I am a real liberal, and I assure you, I am not donning pantyhose.)
93. President Trump has made it Priority #1, to protect us all from “pronouns,” such as an unarmed transgender kid threatening the English language by asking to be referred to as “they.”
94. What about an armed individual shooting up another school? Isn’t that a more serious problem?
95. Not according to lawmakers like Rep. Thomas Massie (R-Ky.). He believes every family should have at least one gun per child.
96. If a
child is ambidextrous, then two.
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Merry Christmas from the Massie family. |
97. Since our main topic is still potential new states, we should point out that a forward thinking American has copyrighted the best designs for flags with 51 stars. So that’s another vexing problem.
98. There might be a way to squeeze 51 stars onto this flag, if we were creative. Sadly, more than a few Trump fans would be onboard with that idea.
99. It’s going to be a long four years with the Dumpling back in charge, and I think I’ll go eat those three leftover donuts.
100. I think that we can also predict that Melania is going to need a lot of big defensive hats during her husband’s second term in office.
A Mountie hat would look especially stylish and seem fitting, assuming Canada wins the prize to become our next great state.
