January 5, 2018: President Trump Works His Magic, Traveling Back to the Past!

 

1/5/18: It’s official. The Greatest-Job-Creator-Ever, Donald J. Trump, watched in awe (of himself) as he turned the U.S. economy around in 2017 with no help from anyone else. 

He inherited a mess when he sat his chunky butt down in the Oval Office. Now he has added jobs for 87 months in a row, starting in October 2010. Trump went back in time and started adding jobs at a furious pace. He saved the country and his hair looked fabulous: 

Jobs added: 

2011    2,074,000

2012    2,176,000

2013    2,301,000

2014    3,004,000

2015    2,720,000

2016    2,341,000

2017    2,114,000

 

As the Bureau of Labor Statistics notes, fewer jobs were added this year than in any year since 2011. But you figure if Trump keeps firing White House aides who call him an “idiot,” “moron” or “f---ing moron,” he can recapture his mojo as the new year progresses.

Anyone ready for a swim? (Upper Tenmile Creek Mining Area Superfund site)

 

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TRUMP WASN’T SATISFIED just adding jobs in the past! He also made sure 2017 was the safest year in commercial airline history. Earlier this week he went to Twitter to save lives. “Since taking office,” he tap-tapped, “I have been very strict on Commercial Aviation. Good news – it was just reported that there were Zero deaths in 2017, the best and safest year on record!” 

Not a single commercial airline passenger died anywhere in the world in 2017. This was a first. Trump did that. Trump made sure no planes crashed in England or Ireland. Trump kept planes from plummeting to earth in Bulgaria, Botswana, and Bangladesh. If you were on a plane, flying to Moscow (not that anyone working for the Trump campaign ever did), Trump kept you aloft. 

It also turns out, Trump kept Americans safe in the past. He made sure no commercial airliner crashed and no passenger died on U.S. soil in 2014. He did it again in 2015. Wow. Then he pulled off a similar feat in 2016, even with that Kenyan guy working hard to make sure every plane went smash.

 

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WE ALSO LEARN that under Trump’s leadership, the E.P.A. cleaned up way more Superfund toxic waste sites. In 2016 only two sites were cleaned up and “delisted.” But this year? Seven! 

Seven were cleaned up!! 

Again, Fox News fans were treated to this fabulous news – real news, not “Fake News” – and did the right-wing math. Trump had cleaned up fifteen more sites than Obama the year before. 

Sadly, the “Fake News” folks at Time tried to throw shade on this achievement. They noted that the cleanup work done at those sites was finished before Donald J. Trump took office. They fakely pointed out that Scott Pruitt, Trump’s pick to head the E.P.A., was simply the one who officially delisted the sites. Then the hacks at Time lost their minds. Like Steve Bannon! 

That sloppy bastard! 

They failed to credit President Past-Present-and-Future with all the excellent work he had done during the years Obama was in the Oval Office, writing letters back home to Mombasa. During Obama’s two terms in the White House an average of ten superfund sites were cleaned up every year.