We
continue our quest to document daily life in Trumpistan. If you’d like you can
go back in time and read about Days 1-100, 101-200, 201-300 and 301-350.
It
depends on your tolerance for chaos and incompetence.
January
5 (Day 351): IT’S OFFICIAL. The Greatest-Job-Creator-Ever,
Donald J. Trump, watched in awe (of himself) as he turned the U.S. economy
around in 2017, with absolutely no assistance from anyone.
Not even Melania helped.
Not even Melania helped.
He inherited a mess the
day he took office—and now, because he is clearly the greatest president ever,
he has added jobs for 87 months in a row, starting all the way back in October 2010.
Yes. He did it all by himself.
Trump went back in time and started adding jobs at a furious pace. He saved the country and his
hair looked fabulous meanwhile. Just see all the jobs he added to the U.S.
economy, just by tweeting:
2011 2,092,000
2012 2,142,000
2013 2,302,000
2014 2,998,000
2015 2,713,000
2016 2,240,000
2017 2,093,000
Sharp-eyed economists might wonder: Is the
Wizard of Washington, D.C. losing his touch? As the Bureau of Labor
Statistics notes, fewer jobs were added this year than in any year since 2011.
But you figure if Trump keeps firing White House aides who call him an “idiot”
or “moron” or “f---ing moron,” he can definitely recapture his mojo in 2018.
STILL, DONALD J. TRUMP WASN’T SATISFIED! He had more miracles to pull off.
He also made sure 2017 was the safest year in commercial airline history. Earlier this week he went to Twitter to save lives. “Since taking office,” he tap-tapped, “I have been very strict on Commercial Aviation. Good news - it was just reported that there were Zero deaths in 2017, the best and safest year on record!”
He also made sure 2017 was the safest year in commercial airline history. Earlier this week he went to Twitter to save lives. “Since taking office,” he tap-tapped, “I have been very strict on Commercial Aviation. Good news - it was just reported that there were Zero deaths in 2017, the best and safest year on record!”
Not a single commercial airline passenger died anywhere in the
world last year, he said, an aviation first. (Just slightly untrue.) Trump did that. Trump made sure
no planes crashed in England or Ireland. Trump kept planes from plummeting to
earth in Bulgaria, Botswana and Bangladesh. If you were on a plane, flying to
Moscow (not that anyone working for his campaign ever did that), Trump kept you aloft.
I think we can even say Trump flew planes
himself. He would take breaks from golfing, don a
disguise and get to work. On Fox News,
Sean Hannity and the three stooges who host Fox
and Friends agreed. Trump was the greatest pilot ever. He was half Wilbur
Wright, half Orville, half Charles Lindbergh and 10 percent Eddie
Rickenbacker.
Fox News listeners heard the news from Laura
Ingraham too. They did some quick calculating and immediately realized those
fractions added up perfectly, and so, this proved how great Trump is.
Trump even kept Americans safe
in the past. He made sure
no commercial airliner crashed—and no passenger died on U.S. soil in 2014. He
did it again in 2015. Wow. Then he pulled off a similar feat in 2016, even with
that Kenyan guy in the White House working hard to make sure every plane went smash.
 |
| True love. But not the gay kind! No sir, none of that. |
LAST BUT NOT LEAST, under Trump,
the E.P.A. cleaned up way more Superfund toxic waste sites. In 2016 only two
sites were cleaned up and “delisted.” But this year? Seven! Seven were cleaned
up.
Again, Fox News fans were treated to this
fabulous news—real news, not fake news—and did some right-wing math. The truth
hit them. It hit hard.
Trump had cleaned up fifteen more sites than Obama the year before.
Sadly, the “fake news” folks at Time magazine tried to throw shade on this achievement. Those rotten reporters claimed the cleanup work at those
sites was finished before Donald J. Trump took office. They fakely pointed out
that Scott Pruitt, Trump’s pick to head the E.P.A., was simply the one who
officially delisted those sites. Then the hacks at Time lost their minds. Like Steve Bannon!
That sloppy bastard!
They failed to credit President Past-Present-and-Future
with all the excellent work he had done during the years Obama sat in the Oval
Office, writing letters back home to Mombasa. Yes, ten Superfund sites were delisted
every year, on average, during Obama’s two (illegal) terms in the White House.
Fox News viewers know the truth. They know Trump
cleaned up those sites all by himself. He scooped up the toxic chemicals with his
bare hands.
He went back in time. He did it all.
What a man!
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