Trump Brings the Alligators to Town

As a candidate Donald J. Trump made a big deal about what he was going to do, just as soon as he plunked his chunky butt down in the Oval Office. He was going to pull the plug. He was going to watch water swirl down the drain. 

He was going to drain the swamp and return control of the government to the American people. At least the grumpy old white ones.

That was then. 

This is now. 

It looks increasingly likely that the plan all along was actually to put new alligators in charge of the morass. Here, then, are a few of the leading characters charged with bringing “change” to the nation’s capital:

“Call Me, Maybe” Alligator: Remember when “Call Me, Maybe” (a.k.a. General Michael Flynn) led chants of “Lock her up!” aimed at Hillary Clinton? Sadly, “Call Me, Maybe” was busy calling the Russians, undercutting American foreign policy, which some people, such as “so-called” judges, might argue constitutes treason.

“Joseph Goebbels” Alligator: At this point, you might suspect Kellyanne Conway lies when she talks in her sleep. A CNN reporters points out that, globally, 2014, 2015 and 2016 have been the three hottest years on record. “Does Donald Trump still believe climate change is a Chinese hoax?” the reporter inquires. Conway replies, “People were attending Trump’s inauguration in swimsuits! President Trump saw them. Those are the ‘alternative facts.’ Why don’t you write about something people care about, like falling ratings for The Apprentice, or the gory Bowling Green Massacre?”

“Same Old, Same Old” Alligator: Remember when Trump attacked Clinton for sticking around Washington for thirty years and not getting anything fixed? “Same Old” Alligator, Mitch McConnell, first took a seat in the U. S. Senate in 1984 and has been in charge of the Senate since 2015. Try to think of something he’s done. Give up? Well, don’t worry! He's thinking about coming up with a really good health care plan. Congress hasn’t cracked the 30% approval rating since 2011.

Fracking Alligator: When Scott Pruitt served as Oklahoma Attorney General he liked to receive letters written by oil and gas industry executives. He loved his mail! He would then copy them to state letterhead and send them to Washington, D. C. This was how Pruitt made “his” opinions about environmental protection known! Does fracking cause earthquakes? No! Can’t you read the letter I sort of wrote? 

Actually, fracking has been responsible for a 4000% increase in earthquakes in his state. Well, who cares! Not oil and gas industry corporations; and as the U. S. Supreme Court ruled in Citizens United corporations are people too. 

They have free speech protection, they feel pain if you tax them and when you regulate them they’re sad.

Corey “The Consultant” Alligator: During the campaign “The Consultant” insisted Trump would drain the swamp faster than an ordinary lobbyist could shout, “Show me the money!” Also known as Corey Lewandowski, once the election was decided, “The Consultant” started his own lobbying firm in—Washington, D.C. 

Now he offers access to top people in the new Administration. He isn’t a lobbyist, though, he assured one conservative commentator. He’s just a consultant. In fact, he was shocked anyone would question his motivation. The claim that I “got into this business so I could make money is absolutely disgusting.”

Then he headed for the nearest bank.

Puzder Alligator: Andy Puzder recently addressed the matter of illegal immigrants taking jobs from American workers by firing the Guatemalan he employed for years as his very own housekeeper. That’s how you create jobs for U.S. workers! Also, he paid back taxes he owed to Social Security since he forgot to pay them until now. Puzder is going to help workers by making sure there will be no increase in the minimum wage, by crushing unions, and by bringing a pro-oligarch attitude to his job as head of the Department of Labor. Puzder once referred lovingly to his workers at Hardees as “the best of the worst.”

Paul, the Workout Alligator: This buff fellow, famous for piercing blue eyes and ice-cold smile, has been working for seven years to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act. Now, with Trump in office, with “Same Old” Alligator controlling the Senate, he’ll have a health care plan ready next month. Or is it next year? Or in 2019? Also, he promises everyone will love this mythic new plan, just as soon as they see it.

Betsy, The Clueless Alligator: Clueless (Betsy DeVos) won Senate confirmation, 51-50, after Vice President Mike Pence raced to the Capitol to cast a tie-breaking vote. Now, she’s in charge of the nation’s public schools. Clueless has not spent much time in the public schools because she hates the public schools, but if she has her way she will march down the hall at a public school near you, head for science class, and ensure the teacher is emphasizing Creationism—but climate change, not so much. DeVos has a strange aversion for children with special needs showing up in public schools, and thinks the decision to allow them might best be left up to the states! She also believes guns are needed in every school, to keep out Muslims, agnostics, and grizzly bears.

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As you have probably already guessed, draining the swamp is going to take longer than expected, particularly in view of the fact that so far President Trump is just dumping fresh alligators in the place. So policy changes will have to suffice. Bold new ideas include:

1. Build a wall around the swamp. Tell supporters the alligators will pay for it.

2. Dump truckloads of sewage in the swamp; with enough sewage you can fill the swamp to the top (the EPA won’t complain).

3. Do nothing; but rename the swamp; call it Trump National Park.

4. Build a university in the middle of the swamp. Call it Trump U. (If it sinks out of sight, blame a “Mexican” judge.)

5. If any alligator anywhere in America eats a baby, blame Muslims all over the world. Also, shoot a bunch of moose. It won’t make babies safer; but it will look like you are getting the job done!

6. If none of your plans work, complain about the media, the liberal media, the media that hates moms, and point out how mean reporters keep asking you to supply actual facts. Your dumbest supporters won’t notice the swamp isn’t being drained until an alligator bites them in the ass.

Current Politifact rating of President Trump's nost important claims.