Stunning Move by Sweden to Ban U. S. Immigrants and Refugees

In a stunning move yesterday, Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Löfven signed a promulgation closing Sweden to travelers and refugees from the United States.

Following an emergency meeting with King Carl XVI Gustaf and legislative leaders including Urban Ahlin, Speaker of the Riksdag, Lofven announced to a stunned Swedish media, “We felt we had no choice. Americans are too violent, too prone to shooting each other—and innocent bystanders—to risk letting them enter our country.”

“Luckily, we don’t need to build a wall,” Speaker Ahlin interjected, “because the Atlantic Ocean should suffice.”

Prime Minister vows to keep Sweden safe!

In 2015, of course, Sweden admitted 160,000 refugees, including tens of thousands of Syrians, which did tax the welfare system of a nation with 9.5 million people. There were problems related to the influx. But Löfven pointed to continued low crime in Sweden and compared the relative safety of Stockholm to carnage in American cities. “We know President Trump has talked about Chicago’s incredible murder rates, how African Americans and Hispanics are ‘living in hell.’ We know about mass shootings in U. S. theaters and churches and schools. It gives those of us tasked with keeping Sweden safe great pause.”

According to Löfven, the King agreed that the need for “extreme vetting” was clear. Even Americans posing as tourists should not be allowed to visit. “We were amazed this week,” Löfven continued, “when Mr. Trump talked about the crime wave sweeping our beautiful land. Frankly, we were stunned by his claim that a growing wave of violence had followed our decision to admit tens of thousands of immigrants and refugees, and our bafflement was redoubled by his dark hints that there had been some awful terrorist attack ‘last night.’”

“We had to act,” the Prime Minister explained to a throng of reporters, and offered supporting evidence. Sweden was significantly safer than the U. S. “According to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, the U. S. homicide rate is more than five times that of Sweden. The rate in Sweden in 0.9 homicides per 100,000 people,” Löfven said.

“The rate in the United States is 5.0,” he grimaced.

Olaf Olafsson, a reporter for Aftonbladet, the leading newspaper in the capital, asked, “Don’t the Americans lock up more criminals than any other nation on earth? How bad would it be if all those people were still roaming the streets?”

At least one reporter in the audience was seen to shudder at the thought.

“It would probably be like living in hell,” Löfven replied. “The Americans incarcerate 710 people per 100,000. We have only 67 per 100,000 behind bars. We also know the Americans have terrible drug problems, and just about everyone old enough to hold a pistol owns one, or two or three. We don’t want these people bringing drugs and guns and violent proclivities with them, across the seas. We can’t know which Americans are violent and which are not. So we must ban them all until we can put a system in place that guarantees total safety to the Swedish people.”

To make his points more clear, Lofven turned to a stand where a set of charts had been prepared for press viewing. “As you can see, from Chart I, crime levels are lower in Sweden than America,” he noted. “This may have something to do with the fact we have more police officers per 100,000 people, 280.5 to 243.6. The drug threat to Sweden, if we allow Americans to enter, is clear. Americans are eleven times more likely to use cannabis, six times more likely to abuse opiates. King Carl completely agrees. We must keep these ‘bad hombres’ out.” 

“Chart II is equally sobering,” the Prime Minister continued. “We do have a problem with rape in 

“Then again, we may have to refuse any official visit from Mr. Trump, due to his admitted habit of groping women. Overall, violent crime is three times more common in the United States. For all these reasons and more we have decided to ban Americans traveling to Sweden, starting today.”

“The King and I, and lawmakers from all major parties regret the necessity for such action. However, until further notice all those holding American passports will be denied entry into Sweden. We hope the Swedish people—and the American people too—will understand our concerns.”

Before reporters could ask follow up questions, Prime Minister Löfven quickly exited the stage.

(PARODY; ALL STATISTICS, HOWEVER, ARE REAL.)