AS A RETIRED AMERICAN, I have ample time to fritter away. This afternoon I decided to fritter half an hour away and watch Sarah Huckabee
Sanders explain why President Trump endorsed Judge Roy Moore
in the Alabama special election next Tuesday.
At the daily press briefing, White House reporters wanted to know what Trump thought
about accusations of child molesting, lodged against the candidate.
Sanders said the White House found these accusations “troubling.”
(Even in this White House, apparently, it’s
going a smidge too far to admit it and say, “All we care about is
cutting taxes on billionaires. We can’t worry about a few children who were
molested.)
A reporter from ABC wonders, “Then
why is the President endorsing him?”
I shout at the television, “Because the
President is a sexual predator.”
Sadly, Sanders couldn’t hear me.
On screen, I watch her reply in full
Catch-22 mode, “We believe it’s up to the people of Alabama to decide.”
A reporter asks, “If you want the people
of Alabama to decide, why is the President endorsing Moore?”
SANDERS COUGHS AND PAUSES a moment to sip a glass of water. She’s clearly suffering from a cold, likely brought on
by the stress of defending the indefensible. “The President has made it
clear Judge Moore supports his agenda,” she replies.
“But, if the President is troubled by the
accusations, isn’t there a moral calculation here, to say that one vote is more important
than predation against children?” another member of the “fake news” brigade inquires.
A pained expression briefly cloud’s Ms. Sanders’
visage. She draws a deep breath and says, “The President believes it’s up to the people of Alabama to make that
calculation.”
I don’t know about reporters, tasked
with making sense of unadulterated bullshit, but my head is already hurting.
A representative from CNN raises a hand and
asks, “Would any person running on the GOP ticket be preferable, no matter
what the moral questions in their background, if they supported the
President’s agenda?”
“We think the people of Alabama would have to make that decision,” Sanders replies. I have a feeling she really wants to add: “Catch-22.”
Instead, she seems satisfied to grimace again.
Instead, she seems satisfied to grimace again.
In the back of the press room, a foreign
correspondent is next to try to crack the nut. “If you say you want the people of Alabama to decide,
why is the President endorsing Moore? Isn’t he trying to influence that decision?”
“We believe the people of Alabama should make
this decision,” says Sanders.
AT THIS POINT, I BEGIN to have a weird
out-of-body experience. I see myself floating above the scene. Somehow I am able to ask questions. “Sarah,” I wonder, “would
President Trump endorse O. J. Simpson for a seat in the U.S. Senate if he was
running?”
“That would be for the people to decide,”
Sanders says. Only now, in my dreamlike state, when I look at her she's a robot.
Deep down inside, I still have faith. I believe Robot Sanders must harbor vestiges of her core Christian values. She can’t really enjoy lying for Trump every day. So in
my dream state, I feed her what I think is a no-brainer. “What about Sergey
Kislyak?” I ask. “What if he was running for the U.S. Senate? And before you
answer, remember, Sarah, Kislyak is not a U.S. citizen. He’d be ineligib…”
It’s no use.
Sanders has already
started to answer: “President Trump has made it clear many times,” she says in an odd mechanical voice,
“that there has been no collusion with Russia. And, again, it is up to the
voters of whatever state to decide. If they want a Russian in the Senate, and
that Russian supports the President’s agenda, naturally, the President would endorse
him.”
A collective gasp escapes from the press corps.
I’m dogged in my dream. I want to understand what’s at stake. I
try other names. Would Trump endorse Bernie Madoff?
Al Capone?
Benedict Arnold?
Three times, Robot Sanders says he would.
I KEEP TRYING. Even a robot press secretary
can’t possibly blow the next one: “Would Mr. Trump endorse John Lee Gacy, who
molested and murdered dozens of boys, for a seat in the Senate, if
he was running?”
Robot Press Secretary asks: “Is Gacy’ s hypothetical
opponent a Democrat?”
I admit she is.
“Then yes.”
I try one last time. I want to believe Robot
Sanders still has some kind of heart or soul. “What if Jeffrey Dahmer was running down in Alabama. What if he was alive and
we already knew he had killed and eaten a number of innocent victims? Would Trump still endorse him, just so long as he
was a member of the Republican Party, and willing to toe the Trump line?”
“We would find accusations of cannibalism ‘troubling,’” Robot Sarah groans. “But it would be up to the people of Alabama to decide.”
With that, her electric circuits short
out and smoke starts pouring from her mechanical nose, mouth and ears.
Then I snap out of my dream and realize, I’m sitting on my couch in my living room, and that, in reality, Donald J. Trump is now the leader of a party that sacrifices all principles to support pedophiles.
Ben Thomas responded on Facebook: I'll take the swamp any day over this sewer...
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