President Trump Needs a New Coat of Arms!

Did you know President Trump has a coat of arms? Well, he does. And this coat of arms is really quite impressive: three lions rampant, or whatever the official term happens to be, and two chevrons on a shield. Above: a hand grips an arrow. Or maybe it’s a spear. It’s a decidedly warlike image.

Naturally, the coat of arms includes the word: “Trump.” It’s emblazoned across the bottom.

It turns out this coat appears everywhere at the Trump National Golf Club outside Washington. You can see it on the gate. You can gaze in wonder at it on signs out front, spot it in the pro shop and the exercise room. Perhaps, someday you will be able to buy a Trump line of women’s panties, featuring the design.

That would be fitting.

Speaking of fitting: It turns out the Trump coat of arms is…um…stolen. According to “fake news,” as in The New York Times, it was originally granted to Joseph Edward Davies in 1939, third husband of Marjorie Merriweather Post, who built Mar-a-Lago. So Donald J. Trump took the design and made one minor change. Gone was the word “Integritas,” Latin for “integrity,” at the bottom of the Davies coat of arms. In an irony almost too rich to be true, the word “Trump” appeared.

Trump even tried try to trademark his purloined coat of arms in Scotland when he built a golf course at Aberdeen. For obvious reasons, such as the fact that if you have two eyeballs you can clearly tell the design is stolen, The College of Arms rejected his request. 

So, let me be the first to suggest a few changes—to insure President Trump doesn’t get sued by the Davies family.

He should start with a new design. Naturally, you keep the Trump name. The Trump name must appear on every item President Trump touches or sees or dreams about. You wonder why he never branded his employees like cattle. Next, you dump the three lions. Why not replace them with three chickens? Trump’s father managed to avoid serving during World War II. Donald J. himself couldn’t fight in Vietnam because his feet hurt. And his two brave sons, Donald J., 23 years old on 9/11, and Eric, who turned 18 four months later, have always been too busy making money to spend time in the military.

When it really boils down to defending a nation their father wants to make great again, they are happy to let others do the bleeding.

Anyway, you could keep the chevrons, but turn them gold, and superimpose rows of green dollars signs to punch up the image.

Finally, at the top, ditch the warlike imagery—and I hereby offer my design free of charge to my President. Ditch the arrow or spear. Add an arm, lowered, a hand placed to grab what appears to be a woman’s crotch.

Now that would be a coat of arms that said something.