This weekend, our star reporter caught up with President
Trump on the sixth tee of his golf course, not far from Mar-a-Lago. Feeling glum
in the wake of his health care defeat, the man who once assured voters they’d
get tired of winning
once he took office was willing to talk about losing.
His reasoning was soon apparent.
“I blame Democrats for my failure,” he began, “Also, three
million illegal immigrants voted in Congress.”
“Sir,” our reporter wondered, “didn’t you say repealing
and replacing health care would be “so easy” during the campaign?”
“I didn’t say that,” the President countered. “Hillary
Clinton said that. How can I be blamed if my lips are moving, but I’m quoting?”
“As Time noted
this week,” our
reporter tried a fresh tack, “a GOP-controlled U. S. House of Representatives
voted fifty times to repeal the Affordable Care Act when President Obama was in
office.” If your party controls the House and Senate and you are securely seated
in the Oval Office, how can Democrats be to blame? Can’t the House simply vote for
repeal again—a fifty-first try? Don’t you have enough votes to pass Trumpcare
without them?
“You realize that isn’t even logical…”
“Obama did it. He tapped my phones—and my microwave,” Mr. Trump
insisted. “Steve Bannon says Obama used mind control to stop lawmakers from
voting for the bill. It was going to be the greatest health care plan ever.
Americans would have received better health care for a small fraction of the cost…”
“You don’t seriously
believe Mr. Obama has power to control minds,” our incredulous reporter asked.
“You shouldn’t be asking me. I
didn’t come up with the plan that failed. Paul Ryan did it. Blame him. Sad!”
“Mr. President, didn’t you call Obamacare a ‘complete
disaster?’”
“Yes, I did. Terrible. And did I mention Obama tapped my microwave
and my coffee maker?”
“Mr. President, didn’t you promise during your campaign you would come up with a health plan to cover everyone?”
“I ran a great campaign, if you didn’t notice. I won
the greatest Electoral College victory in the last 10,000 years.”
“Sir, the Congressional Budget Office scored the Ryan bill
and said by 2026, an additional 24 million Americans would end up without
insurance. How does that square with your promise to cover everyone?”
“That is everyone,” the President replied.
“Perhaps I should repeat: The CBO said 24,000,000 would be …”
“All illegal immigrants! Also, member of ISIS. Did
you know I have a secret plan to defeat ISIS as soon as I take office.”
“You are in office,
sir. Moving on. Considering your stunning health care defeat how do you plan…”
“It wasn’t my defeat,” the President interjected. “In fact,
I blame the Whig Party. We don’t win in America anymore. We need Patton and
MacArthur to pass a terrific health care act. Frederick Douglass will help. I know it. He’s an example of somebody who has done an
amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice.”
“Mr. President, Frederick Douglass
died in 1895…”
“How should I know that? Sean Spicer said he was fine. I can’t be blamed if I repeat everything I
hear.”
“Considering the fact only 17%
of Americans approved
of the Ryan plan, Mr. Trump, do you feel you need to study this subject in
greater depth?”
“Everyone loves our plan. Omarosa
loves it. The Russians love it. So do all Bannon’s friends in the white
nationalist movement. Also, I had the biggest inaugural crowd ever. I had more
people than Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and Millard Fillmore combined. Twenty
billion people watched me live on television. Every one of them loved my speech...”
“Mr. Trump, President Truman
had a famous sign on his desk that read: ‘The buck stops here.’ He felt the
final responsibility for what happened was his and he must take
blame if anything went wrong. What kind of sign would you like to see for
your desk?”
“I’m considering: ’What buck?’
That would be great. And I deserve a great sign because I’ve done more to start off
my term than any president in history. No, more than all of them combined! Why
should I get blamed for anything? When I said for five years Obama
wasn’t born in this country, my lips were moving because Hillary Clinton made
me say so. I might have been moving my lips when I said I grabbed women by the
p----; but Billy Bush egged me on. Plus, I had the word ‘p----,’ in air quotations. That makes all the difference.”
Our reporter was fast
approaching intellectual exhaustion. “Mr. President, I know this
week has been a tough one for your administration. Do you feel you bear any responsibility for the fact
the FBI is investigating members of your campaign to see if there was
cooperation with the Russians to interfere in the recent election?”
“No.”
“You had to fire General
Michael Flynn—after you made him your chief National Security Advisor. We now known
he took
at least $65,000 from Russian entities, that he was paid
$503,000 by the Turkish government…”
“I fired him. That makes me best president ever.”
“If you appointed him…and he
turned out to be linked to Russians…um…doesn’t that mean your judgement was flawed?”
“Nope. I blame Millard Fillmore.”
“Paul Manafort, your campaign
manager, reportedly took
$12.7 million from pro-Russian parties in the Ukraine…”
“Again! I fired him. That’s
how smart I am.”
“Let me try one final tack, sir,
because I’d like to get a sense of your devotion to the truth. You’ve heard the
story of George Washington and the cherry tree. Had you been in his place how
would you have responded when your father asked if it was you who had chopped
down the beautiful cherry tree?”
“I would have said, ‘My
hatchet might have been moving, but I blame the hatchet.’”
With that, our poor reporter tossed his notes high in the air and made a beeline for the nearest bar
to pour out a few stiff shots of bourbon.
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| Did the Democrats sink Trumpcare? Or was it the Whigs? |
That's about right...smh
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